Dark Savant’s Gonna Smack Your Bitch Up

Good morning, all two of you.

I was just sitting here, listening to Kid Rock’s “Bawitaba” or whatever, drinking a Coors laced with 5-MEO extract, and I had a masterful idea. You see, like every other bored film know-it-all who grew up during the Grunge age, I zone out on MTV when I need a creative black hole to fill my soul. I watch MTV’s directors like a talent scout, trying to pigeonhole who will be the next great Camera Wizard.

Yes, I called David Fincher (although who knew he had a brain at the timer). Yes, I called Spike Jonze. Yes, I called that Hype Williams would suck major ass. Yes, I called that Pellington would fuck up Arlington Road. I’m still calling Romanek as a potential superstar. Still don’t believe mer I’ll stick my name behind Jonas Ackerlund… the skitzo behind Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” and Metallica’s “Turn the Page”, both featuring sexually insane documentary-style badtrips through trashtowns in the UK and the US.

Anyhow, back to my idea. I like what BMW has done with their series of short films and high profile directors. Let’s take it a step further. Let’s find another over promoted group, band, or singer, someone with a giant budget, and use their work and money as a fulcrum to push cinematic art. In this hypothetical scenario, let’s take a major rock act, like, well, Metallica. Let’s say they have a $100,000 budget for a music video. Instead of hiring one Ackerlund or one Wayne Isham, let’s have some fun.

Take that money and challenge FOUR hardcore directors into doing a $25,000 video (each) of the exact same song. Bear with me here. So in this scenario, we’ll pick four directors, and call them “Team A”. Let’s take David Fincher, [Metallica regular] Wayne Isham, McG, and yes, myself, Dark Savant. Whomever makes the best video, as determined by online polling (not run by MTV goddammit) moves on to the first round of a playoff. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see four different visions of the same musical piecer And don’t give me any bullshit about 25K not being enough for a 6-minute short. F*ck you. Lower budget means more creativity.

So, of course, I’ll win that one. If any studios or labels are reading this now, I dare you to defy me. Gimme the 25K, that’s a pin drop for you, and I will smack your ass up and down. Call me on this bluff if you have the balls. Anyway, let’s say “Team B” must direct versions of the new N’Sync single: “All I Want Is Your Hands Up And Down My Shaven Crotch”. Team B consists of Spike Jonze, Mark Romanek, Joel Schumacher (too easy), and Jonas Ackerlund. Too close to call, but since Romanek always gets the giant budgets (Michael Jackson’s “Scream” cost over 7 figures) I’m going to go with Jonze for sheer redneck creativity.

So now, the playoff, between myself and Spike Jonze. The piece: Eminem’s “My Bitch Screwed a Faggot And Now I’m Gonna Chop Her Up Into Little Kibbles N’ Bits”. Jonze portrays Eninem as a lost, wandering soul, beset by nuclear apocalypse and a Blair Witch style mission to hunt down his symbolic ego. Me, I portray the little white ass motherfucker as a stylized superhero with no powers, falling from grace into a bad drugtrip where he is continually assraped by Donny Osmond, all symbolic for his obvious struggle with the gay community and female dominance. My piece will probably be too much for most people, so Jonze takes the Cup. Stanley’s Cup. His unwashed jock strap. Lovely.

Point being, wouldn’t this kind of thing be badassr We can move it on to commercials, and keep an informal scoring system. Just little things here and there to push the creative envelope. Oh yeah, and of course, we allow unknown filmmakers into the foray too, once in a while, just to see if we can break some new blood into the draft. Then we’ll start betting pools, and rumor sites, and games predicting the stock value of the outcomes. Wow. That is before Viacom buys it out and slings it in all directions profitable.