Monsters Ball and Adaptation

What upcoming productions have been announcedr A remake of the best zombie movie of all time and a remake of the best movie of a guy screaming “Caaaaaaaaaaannn you dig iiiiiiiiiiitt!!” of all time. It’s so bad, Guy Ritchie can’t even remake his own movie for a third fucking time, he has to go and remake somebody else’s. And sometimes these fuckwits don’t even know what movie they’re remaking. THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER just reported on a spec sale, the title of which I’ve mercifully forgotten, but the following description from the REPORTER will be seared on my mind forever: “A throwback to such thrillers as “Body Heat” and “Dead Calm” the film features a murder on a boat that is then retold from three different points of view.” That’s it. No mention of some old black-and-white Japanese film or some non-animated guy named Akira. Dipshits.

Looking for originality–not to mention brains–in Hollywood is like looking for cock in a convent.

However, like the time Sister Donna whipped out her Polish surprise for me one day after confession, the town that glitters can pull back its robes and reveal what you had always hoped was there: ass-kickingly great and unique screenplays. And even better: ones that have actually been shot and will be released before year’s end.

I finally got my hands on Charlie Kaufman’s “Adaptation.” I won’t bore you with a plot description because McWeeny and others have done so better than I could already. But rest assured, it is every bit as good as they say it is. Definitely one of the five best scripts that I have ever read. Even better than “Being John Malkovich” (which I thought took forever to get going). “Adaptation” is complex, thoughtful and funny as hell. The third act is a humdinger (as mandated by Robert McKee who makes an appearance) and also surprisingly heartfelt and emotional.

Two caveats, though: “Adaptation” is about a screenwriter (Kaufman) who has to adapt an unfilmable book into a viable script. People who are not screenwriters or in the picture business may not be as enamored with the story as the rest of us. I’m also a little afraid of the casting of Nicolas Cage. He will be Kaufman whose first lines in the script are “I am old. I am bald. I am fat. I am repulsive.” Kaufman is supposed to be a pitiable self-loathing, self-doubting creature who spends most of his time masturbating. At one time you Cage could nail this role in his sleep, but that was before Fuckheimer sunk his claws and turned the former Coppola into a pretty boy hack. Thank God for Spike Jonze. If there’s anybody that can get Cage back to his old demented self, it’s Spike. Remember, he’s made the only Cameron Diaz movie in history where I didn’t want to fuck Cameron Diaz.

I also got to read “Monsters Ball” by Milo Addica & Will Rokos. It will star Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry and Heath Ledger. Billy Bob will play Hank Grotowski, a prison guard in charge of executions who is the antithesis of Tom Hanks in “The Green Mile.” Hank is ugly, mean and a racist. Living with his even nastier prick of a father, Hank has driven his first wife to an early death and when he’s not chasing black kids off his property with a shotgun Hank is berating his son (Heath Ledger) whom he loathes. Halle Berry’s charcter is named Leticia, a struggling single mom whose husband is on death row. When not working as a waitress in a trashy diner, she berates her artistically talented son for being so fat.

Hank and Leticia both lose someone close to them. They are emotionally damaged, fragile and both know their lives need to change. They hook up and at first it seems just to be some form of self-medication. They drink and fuck to dull the pain (yes, cinema screens across the nation will once again be blessed by the presence of Halle’s tats). Soon, however, Hank and Leticia start opening up to each other, see each other more and more often. Hank gives Leticia his car since hers broke down. Holy shit, Hank wonders, am I falling in love with this woman–and a black woman, to bootr

Yeah, it sounds like a cheesy romantic melodrama about a narrow minded bigot who learns to change his ways, but I gotta tell you this movie is gonna be totally fucking dark. The scripts takes every chance it has to kick you in the stomach. There is some brutal shit in here which means all of the tender uplifting moments will be earned. I think Hank will be the best role for Billy Bob in a long time and when Halle Berry gives a shit about the person she’s playing (like she did in, say, “Introducing Dorothy Dandridge”) versus the times she doesn’t (as in “X-Men”) she can be really, really good. I have a feeling Leticia will receive Halle’s full attention. She’s a real person with depth who goes through some profound life changes. It’ll be fun to see what she does with it.

Now, I noticed when Garth over at Dark Horizons linked up to my script review of “Ebony & Ivory” the other week he said it was a “positive” look on the script. Really, it should have been “mixed.” That script is still in a rough form, has a long way to go and could get fucked in a thousand different ways. “Adaptation” and “Monsters Ball,” though, are works of genius, have been filmed and they can’t come soon enough for me.

Rating: A
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Planet of the Apes

Mark Walhberg was enjoyable to watch throughout the film like he has been in all of his recent films. He is quickly becoming one of the best young mainstream actors. Other characters such as Helena Bonham Carter, Tim Roth and Michael Clarke Duncan made notably good apes, though none even compared to the energy from Charlton Heston’s brief role. The human characters were rather disappointing; Kris Kristofferson was wasted to a small and somewhat unnecessary part. Estella Warren played the usual role of a supermodel turned actress, to stand around and look good. The rest of the humans had very little personality if any, and for the most part they were just walking zombies. This could be explained by being prisoners of the apes, but I still would have like to see some personality in them, even when their ‘hero’ came they didn’t even talk.

I had a problem with the ape’s having the ability to defy all laws of gravity and physics. Some of them could amazingly fly back and forth from wall to wall, and leap some 25-30 feet in the air similar to the abilities of Chow Yun Fat in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” But even with these slightly improbable feats I was able to put aside these superpowers and forgive Burton due to the interest it helped caused.

Up to the last twenty-five minutes or so it was an enjoyable movie then it began its big twist ending. Now generally I like big twists at the end when they are done properly such as in “Seven,” “Fight Club” or even “The Score,” but this twist was just there for the sake of confusing everyone. The last few minutes just went crazy, almost to the point of absurdity. While after much discussion after the film with my friends I believe I figured out the ending, I found it to be unnecessary for the most part. The ending was intriguing as Burton was surely attempting it to be, but it is nearly unexplainable and will definitely be over the heads of 99.9% of the audience. The ending itself begs for a sequel to explain itself, which is likely something executives at Fox demanded so they could have another franchise. This is the sort of movie you might have to see multiple times to truly comprehend whether the ending was a mess or brilliant on a much higher intelligence level than the rest of the film. Either way it merits discussion, more so than any other action movie released this year.

Rating: B+
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Ebony and Ivory

So I stole a pile of them. Some blowjob princess wearing a so-last-season headset in the reception area asked me where I was going. I immediately made myself look ambitious and sleep-deprived so I could pass as a mail room troll and replied, “I have to get these scripts to Hal Ashby right away.” “Whor” “Hal Ashby, the director. His last movie was with Jeff Bridges and Rosanna Arquette. God, don’t you read the tradesr” She masked the embarrassment born of her ignorance quickly, “Oh! See, I thought you said Al Ashby. You better get going.” As I left I saw her type “Hal Ashby” into her computer and by the time she figured out that he hasn’t made a movie since “8 Million Ways To Die” with Jeff Bridges and Rosanna Arquette in 1985 because he is fucking dead, I was back in my valley shithole reading “Ebony & Ivory” by Stuart Blumberg.

I tell you about this script because out of the ones I read it seems like this one has the best chance to get made and subsequently marketed down our throats. The draft I took a gander at was dated May 14, 2001 and tattooed 123pages. If you want to know about the writer, but are too fucking lazy to go to the IMDB, don’t worry, I did it for you. Senor Blumberg roomied with genius actor (and current Hayek dipstick) Ed Norton at Yale, wrote and produced his buddy’s movie “Keeping the Faith” and did a funny turn as the Car Salesman in “Fight Club.”

I’m sure his script will be changed when/if it is made by Imagine Entertainment and Universal Pictures, but I’m a lousy bastard, so I’ll review it anyway while trying to keep the spoilers to a minimum. “Ebony & Ivory” is a high-concept comedy about a wealthy, white plastic surgeon named Ted Pickford who has a lot of preconceived notions about his neighbor, a wealthy, black rapper named Master Peace. Master Peace, who also happens to have a lot of preconceived notions about Ted, has been cheating on his woman. To get revenge, she enlists her grandmother, an overweight voodoo priestess who farts a lot (did I mention already this will be from the producers of “The Nutty Professorr”) to cast a spell that will cause Ted and Peace to switch bodies.

The two live through each other’s skin, learn it isn’t easy to be a white surgeon or a black rapper and that they’re not all that different after all and become great friends at the end. It’s a feel good race relations satire. And since it’s written by a Yalie there are some good points made;particularly about the hypocrisy behind the business of hip hop and how the form has degenerated from the social commentary made by Grandmaster Flash and Public Enemy in the 80’s to the booties and Bentleys grandstanding of today. Blumberg’s ear for dialogue is very good and the characters are all nicely drawn with a few exceptions: the hyperactive, street slanging Asian intern at Peace’s record company who is a cheap plot deivce, offensive and, even worse, ripped off from Trey Parker’s “Orgazmo.” Ted Pickford is supposed to be very superficial and only attracted to the Barbie-ized bimbos he does boob jobs on, but I think that aspect of him wasn’t developed sufficiently enough to pay off at the end when he reconciles with his put-upon wife. And then there were the black racists.

Blumberg has the gonads to explore racism as a two way street. It’s not a very safe and popular choice–particularly in a movie that I’m sure will be heavily marketed to African-American audiences–to show how black people can be racist, but I’ve met Spike Lee and I gotta tell you, they can. Blumberg shows us these cracker hating people, but unlike the white racists who get their well deserved come-uppances, the black racists get off scott free and I’m sure it’s because Blumberg is afraid of offending somebody. White people don’t get offended when they see movies about the Klan, why should black people get bent out of shape seeing a narrow minded African-American learn that white people aren’t all badr

Blumberg comes dangerously close to saying that for a black rapper to be racist is not only socially acceptable, but justified. Growing up as an ethnic and religious minority in the Rocky Mountain bible belt, I have a problem with all forms of racism no matter who it’s coming from and I think that a script of this nature has an obligation to play it fair from all sides.

Now I’ll step off my soap box and tell you that the plotting of the script seemed pretty episodic and not very sharp, but that can be fixed through subsequent drafts. There were a lot of typos in the script, suggesting Blumberg was in a time crunch to get this thing handed in. Given the time, I bet he can fix the holes and maybe replace the fart jokes with material a little more befitting for one with an Ivy League education.

But look, the real appeal of this script to me was the examination of race relations in America. I hope Blumberg is allowed to explore these themes further and give some director somewhere the chance to shoot a comedy that is not also funny, but really thought provoking. There’s a chance here to make a 21st century “Blazing Saddles” and from what I’ve seen here, Blumberg has the talent to pull it off. But I’ve been in this fucking town too long and I am almost certain that Blumberg’s bosses–the people who raped the memory of Dr. Seuss and contributed to the castration of Eddie Murphy–will probably tell him to scale it back, make it safer, less potentially offensive, but with more jokes like the one where the pit bull fucks the toy terrier. I mean, Christ man, these people don’t even remember who Hal Ashby was…

Rating: B-
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Wet Hot American Summer

That’s not to say that these last few months have been a total wash. “Memento” was finishing its run during the early days of the summer season. “Shrek” was amusing. “Legally Blonde” and “The Others” saved the big studios from total fucking embarassment and the indie scene has given us a plethora of solid entertainment with “Sexy Beast,” “With A Friend Like Harry,” “Made,” “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” and on and on. If it wasn’t for independent cinema I would have had to have cracked open a book or two to entertain myself. And I may have started reading that little golden book sitting on my coffee table this weekend except my second most anticipated movie of the summer finally opened on two, count ’em two, screens in Los Angeles. That’s right. It was time for “Wet Hot American Summer.”

You know how sometimes it seems that a certain movie was made specifically for your For instance, I have a bizarre obsession with the 1950’s and Reese Witherspoon so I was pretty certain that “Pleasantville” would enter my canon before I even entered the fucking theater. Well, “Wet Hot American Summer” seemed like another one of those movies for me. Thanks to a pair non-attentive parents and a stolen VCR I must have watched “Meatballs” around three dozen times in my formative years. Bill Murray was a surrogate uncle for me, Rudy and Spaz my big brothers. I enjoyed the movie tremendously when I was a child and I like it now, but I’m woman enough to realize that it’s pretty stupid. Once I got to high school, every waking hour not spent playing Mortal Kombat II was used exclusively to view and review episode upon episode of MTV’s sketch comedy show “The State”. When I heard that David Wain and Michael Showalter of aforementioned TV show had just made a parody of the whole “Meatballs” genre starring several State alumns and two of my all-time favorite comedy actors, Janeane Garofalo and David Hyde Pierce, well, I had to run out and find a homeless no one cared about to fuck to death.

After all of this rabid anticipation, I was finally able to see the film unfurl at the AMC Santa Monica 7 this afternoon and I have to say…it made me feel old.

The movie starts out pretty well. It seems like a smarter, up-to-date version of Meatballs. It’s the last day of summer camp and everybody–campers, counselors, associate professors living next door to the camp–just wants to score before the fall begins. But when Janeane Garofalo’s Beth goes into town to research books on astrophysics (don’t ask), WHAS reveals itself to be a full on throw-every-piece-of-shit-you-can-find-to-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks madcap affair akin to Airplane! There are at least five climaxes, each one lifted from and poking fun at another film from the summer camp-genre and such giggle inducing lines like “Fuck my cock.” But many of the gags overstay their welcome, others are just too weird to be funny and I quickly realized that what I was watching was a bunch of leftover State sketches. And then I also quickly realized that a type of humor I found endlessly hilarious back in high-school had passed me by and became merely chuckle-inducing. Fuck. There is nothing worse than being in your mid-20’s and feeling like the world has passed you by.

Not to say that I wouldn’t recommend the movie. I would. I would even say to see it in the theater so you can get that whole communal laughter thing going. There are moments in it that made me laugh just as hard as some of the shit in “American Pie 2.” I would also say you should see WHAS for Marguerite Moreau who is so incredibly hot I nearly forgot about that homeless guy I left bleeding from the ass in a deserted alley the week before. The lovely Marguerite also has the unenviable job of playing the straight man through most of the picture and she pulls it off admirably. Janeane and Niles are funny as are my boyz from The State Ken (I wanna dip my balls in it) Marino, Michael Ian Black (which I changed from Schwarz because I’m ashamed of being Jewish) and Joe Lo Truglio (who never had any cool catch phrases on the show, but that’s okay because he Joe Lo Fucking Truglio!). Molly Shannon is annoying, but what did you expect from someone who came over from a shitty sketch comedy show. A true revelation, though, is Chris Meloni who must of us know from “Oz” and “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”. I had no idea this guy could be so funny. When he starts humping a refrigerator I not only laughed, but started being pissed off at Hollywood for not using this guy enough. I look forward to seeing his next comedic role. I also look forward to the next un-official “The State” movie from these guys because “Wet Hot American Summer” does have several things going for it…I just hope the next one has several more.

Rating: B
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Brother

To do a minor story recap, Yamamoto (Takeshi) is forced to relocate to America following a mob war in Japan that he lost. He goes to find his kid brother Ken (Kuroudo Maki), who he has been sending money for school to, only to find him dealing drugs on a street corner with Danny (Omar Epps) and his friends. Yamamoto takes over their gang and immediately turns them in to a major underworld in LA, which leads to a conflict with the local Mafia.

The first thing that I’m sure will strike people when they see this film is the violence. To be honest, this is a very violent film, in an uncompromising way that makes it entirely clear that this is not a life one should want to try and emulate. While I’m sure that if this film becomes a hit (which it deserves to), it will immediately be hammered on by Senators Lieberman and Clinton as more evidence of Hollywood attempting to corrupt the youth of America. Frankly, I hope that both of them and their stupid asinine bill go away quickly, but that’s another thing entirely. The bottom line is that for all the violence, this isn’t a film about how great it is to shoot and kill people. It is a film about the friendships we make and how those will sustain us through everything. I hope that this is what is pushed when people discuss the film, but I know that it won’t be and that saddens me.

As for the technical merits of the film, they are outstanding. Kitano infuses the film with a completely objective eye, viewing everything for it is and nothing more. Even in the most violent scenes he never uses the camera to convince you of who is “evil” and who is “good”. He leaves that judgment up to the viewer, without forcing emotions on to the audience as most Hollywood directors do. The editing of the film, while keeping the pace moving, never uses the insanely fast cuts favored by most people when shooting action films. All of this serves to draw in the viewer by allowing him or her to just let the images soak in and affect them in whatever way they wish them to.

The acting of the film is all-around solid, with probably the best performance I’ve ever seen out of Omar Epps. To be honest, he was the person I was most worried about going in to the film, but he definitely surprised me with the depth of his performance. The way he and Takeshi played off each other allowed me to easily believe in the connection that the two of them had to have to make the story have its proper style and gravity. I hope to see more of all of these actors in other films, as they all gave great performances.

Overall, this was just an amazing film. It releases for the general public in July, and I cannot stress enough they you should seek this film out as soon as you can to see. In a year of fairly weak films, this is unquestionably a bright spot and one of the best films I have ever seen.

Rating: A+
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Ghost World

To be honest, I didn’t understand a whole lot. Maybe it was just me. Maybe it was because I only got 4 hours of sleep the night before. Maybe it was the fact that the movie was about nothing. Yeah, I said it; nothing.

The entire movie we’re following around a girl who feels she doesn’t fit into the world. We follow her around, her adventures, her misadventures, whatever. She has a best friend and the two become distant after they graduate high school. She tries to help an older man find a date. She hates her dad’s girlfriend. Nothing real important; just life in general.

Now, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy the movie. It was entertaining, sure. It was funny, yeah. Did it make any senser Was there any moral to the storyr Were the producers smoking crack when they thought this comic book would make a good movier

Would I see this movie againr Hell no. Would I recommend it to someone elser Sure, if they like movies about nothing. I can’t even think of something even remotely close to compare it to. It’s like watching one of those stupid reality shows where the plot goes nowhere and nothing ever makes any sense. Hey, shoot me.

Rating: D
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