Nine Lives

As I mentioned, the movie tells 9 stories that range from somewhat decent to nauseatingly boring. One tells the story of a woman convict who gets pissed when she can’t talk to her daughter. Another tells the story of a pregnant woman who runs into her ex at a grocery store. There wasn’t one single story I was interested in. During each one I found myself counting down the minutes until it was over.

To illustrate, we’ll take the story of “Samantha.” Played by Amanda Seyfried, (Woot! Lilly Kane in the house!) Samantha is the composed daughter of Sissy Spacek and some gimpy dude in a wheelchair. (Seriously. They don’t even tell you what he’s got. I’m guessing it’s degenerative, but come on, I’m not a doctor). Her scene consists of her talking to her dad, then getting called in to talk to her mom in another room. Mom wants to know what dad said. She tries to do her homework, then dad calls her to ask what mom said. And it keeps going back and forth and back and forth, and they go on and on about “oh you’re so wonderful for staying here instead of going away for school” and “oh you hold the family together” and Sissy keeps telling her how much she loves her. It felt so forced and phony I had to stop myself from gagging. Poor Lilly.

And don’t get me started on “Lorna.” Played by Amy Brenneman, the woman goes to the funeral services of her deaf ex-husband’s wife, and then screws the guy in the other room. “Holly,” played by Lisa Gay Hamilton, returns home after a falling out with her father, and then freaks out and goes off the deep end. You’d think the dad had raped her or killed her mom or smacked her around a bit, rightr All I remember is her complaining that her dad had slept with another woman. You’re gonna kill yourself or your dad over thatr Holly Hunter is wasted as “Sonia,” who has a dick of a boyfriend.

The only character I cared an ounce about was “Camille,” played by Kathy Baker. Camille is in the hospital about to get a boob lopped off, and she’s pissed off. She shows emotions. She gets mad. She curses out her poor put-upon husband. She’s the only character who felt real; who felt honest.

I think your reaction to this film will depend on who you are. If you’re the kind of person who can sit still and stare at the wall and be entertained for 2 hours, have fun with this one. I need stimulation. I need great dialogue. I need a story, damnit. I mean, even if you can’t provide all that, you can at least provide cute guys.

Rating: D+