Harvard Man

Yes, you heard right, my birthday. Your Little Long Island Lolita took the plunge into the murky uncertainty that is post-teenager life. And so far it completely rules. Everyone wants to give me a credit card, which I promptly max out. Which is always fun.

Back to the movie. It starts in my kind of way, with Alan Jenson, played by Adrian “Uni-brows rule!” Grenier, banging Cindy Bandolini, played by Sarah. The first sounds you hear are her moans. Awesome. Then it cuts to a split screen credits, with them going at it, and also scenes of a Harvard basketball game starting.

Alan and Cindy finish up and rush to the game, where Alan plays basketball for Harvard, and Cindy is a cheerleader for Holy Cross, their opponents.

Then it basically all goes downhill.

In a forced and very uninteresting turn of events, we find out Alan’s parents’ home was destroyed by a tornado, and he fixes a game with Cindy betting on it to get the $100 grand he needs to give to his parents, who don’t even want the money. Oh, and Cindy is the daughter of a big mafia boss. Oh, and Alan is also banging his philosophy teacher. Who happens to be Joey Lauren Adams. Because that sounds right, Joey Lauren Adams as a philosophy teacher. And if you don’t think it sounds too unbelievable, wait until you hear her lecture her class.

Among cringe-worthy aspects were Rebecca Gayheart as a pseudo-lesbian bitch who also happens to be an undercover FBI agent (gotta love this casting). And the above-mentioned Joey Lauren Adams.

What I totally dug, but which gave me a nasty headache, was the 20 minutes or so that Alan stumbles around after taking wayyyyyy too much LSD. Trippy goodness. You feel as if you’re going insane with him, and when all the voices are finally quieted, you feel at peace, just as Alan does.

I was initially pissed that they got this heinously fugly guy to play Alan, when they had Leonardo DiCaprio lined up a few years ago. After seeing him in the entire movie, which he was pretty decent in, I still wish they had cast some other hunky young heartthrob. Or at least plucked this guys’ eyebrows. It was nasty as hell.

Sarah was very good, of course, but in the scene where Rebecca Gayheart overtakes her and pins her against the table, I was pissed she didn’t smash her head into that bitch’s. I was practically yelling “Goddamnit Buffy! Kick her ass!” I’m not used to Sarah playing weak little girly girls.

Like the title of this review states, this was an interesting failure. It could have gone either way, and it ended up staying mostly in the Lame as Hell section, instead of creeping into the Buy it on DVD section as I had hoped it would. Ah well, there’s always next time. At least the Jerk paid for the movie and took me shopping at great bookstore nearby. I wasn’t able to talk him into getting me the $150 “Some Like It Hot” coffee table book, but I’ll get it from him soon enough.

Rating: D+
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