Dick Hollywood’s misadventures in Las Vegas… or how I learned to love Vodka, CineVegas and Russian Beeeches
Day 1: Thursday, June 7, 2007
I am heading to Las Vegas via Esmerelda, my trustworthy ’89 Honda Civic with about 230,000 miles on her and counting, because that’s how I roll. With two 40oz beers and 3 liters of cheap white wine, I figure it will be enough to get the weekend started once I arrive in town. First order of business is to get to the Palms and pick up my press credentials. Ha ha ha! Who in their right mind would give Dick Hollywood a proper press passr I arrive in town about 5:30 pm and head straight to the casino to pick up the pass and grab an early movie… Scratch that, I head straight to the casino to the nearest video KENO machine to start gambling and getting my drunk on. I mean, I like a good movie and all, but this is Vegas baby, Vegas! Getting free beers is easy, as long as I keep dumping $20’s into the gambling machine with really bad odds. Smart thinking Dick, really smart thinking. My friends, whom I will be crashing with, get in around 11pm and I meet and greet them at the Planet Hollywood (PH for short) Hotel and Casino formerly the Aladdin. I finally locate the room where Kris, Jeanette and I will be staying. Jeanette is one of the hot Russian Beeeches (term of endearment and how they pronounce it), who will be accompanying Dick Hollywood, or should I say, I will be accompanying them on this little adventure. She wants to shower and get ready to go out on the town. Drais a late night dance club located at Bill’s (formerly Barbary Coast), is in walking distance from us, so we head over around 1:00am, walk in, sit down and get some vodka drinks. It is not a stereotype when I tell you, my good readers that Russian girls truly do love their vodka. They love it a lot! We stayed a couple of hours and watched the club fill up with scantily clad young drunk women and the men that were trying to bed them. Short, short skirts, bare midriffs and lots of silicone were the main fashion choices on hand. Las Vegas is truly a sinful paradise in the desert. CineVegas ‘s motto is “We’ll sleep when it’s over”, so my cohorts and I decided to test the motto out, and get to bed as the sun started to rise.
Day 2: Friday June 8, 2007
More hot Russian Beeeches will be arriving tonight. Yay for hot Russian beeeches! Kris and I head to our pool for some Margaritas where I told my Editor Edward Havens I would be if he needed to contact me. Jeanette decided to do a little shopping in the casino mall and then meet us for drinks by the pool. Oksana, another hot Russian beeech, will be arriving around 9:30pm and then it is off the Palms for a private poolside CineVegas party where we meet up with 2 more Russian ladies, Natasha and Ella. Ciroc, French Vodka distilled with grapes is being poured all night long at this hosted event. A drinker and a Russian’s dream come true. The Palms pool is beautiful and well lit for the partygoers. The Place is packed with a couple of bikini clad swimmers and then I propose to Oksana, but alas I have no engagement ring to give her, so she starts to dance around with this little guy, who we named the midget, and when he begins to bug us all including Oksana, so I shoo him away with the back of my hand. Many Madras and vodka cranberry drinks later, we head up to even more “exclusive” party in some suite high up in the Palms. The room is packed, with young Hollywood hipsters shooting pool, making out, drinking and swinging (on a loveseat swing that is). There is a Stripper pole in the shower with a Plexiglas wall, viewable from main living room. I notice a girl talking on her phone in the shower, so I take out a dollar bill and press it up on the glass. She doesn’t appreciate this and gives me a dirty look, so I press a hundred dollar bill on the glass, hoping this will please her. Well Dick Hollywood is wrong again, as the girl mouths something that does not look nice and leaves the stripper pole free and clear for me to spin a couple of times on it. No one seems to notice or care and no one offers me nuttin’, so I head back to the bar and spot Bobcat Goldthwait chatting with Trevor Groth (CineVegas’ Artistic Director of Programming). I end up drunk babbling toTaika Waititi, the Writer/Director of the Eagle vs. Shark for quite sometime, and rant on and on about how hard it must be to make a film with integrity, due to the fact that it is a business, blah, blah blah. He seems like a super nice guy, well nice enough to put with me at least. Oksana has met some tall cheeseball who keeps kissing her. A jealous rage ensues. How dare he kiss Dick Hollywood’s fiance! She gets tired of Mr. Cheeseball by the time we want to leave, so Oksana and I lose him in the lobby and head back over to PH with Kris and Jeanette to get some food in our systems. Get to bed when the sun starts to rise, after Kris and I decide to play some Blackjack.
Day 3: Saturday, June 9, 2007
I wake up a few hours later and decide to forgo Breakfast with Kris, Jeanette and Oksana, in order to meet up with the legendary FilmJerk himself, my editor, Edward Havens. We both wanted to catch Adam Rifkin’s new film “Look” and ended up sitting next to Ron Jeremy and his porn star entourage. Which was kind of fun I might add. Sobriety and lack of alcohol in my blood makes Dick a cranky boy, so after the movie when Ed and I part ways, I head to the daily hosted Happy Hour at the CineVegas headquarters within the Palms. More vodka please! Kris, Jeanette, Oksana and Natasha arrive from their day at the Palms pool for some drinks (go figure) and we all get one to go. We are seeing “Eagle vs. Shark” and it turns out to be pretty friggin’ funny. Oksana and I both have to run to the bathroom and decide to make a quick drink run and bring back a couple more vodka cranberries back into the movie theater. See I was not lying when I told you that Russian ladies lover their vodka. After the film we all head back to PH for some food and more drinks. The Russians want to change and get ready the rest of the night out on the town, and then it’s back to the Palms to see a work print of Bruce Campbell’s new film “My Name is Bruce”. The Q&A after was really funny and spirited. Being a cult film actor, Bruce has many strange fans, which seemed to be out in full force that night. Oksana is ditching us to hang out with guys; she met at the pool, which are partying at the Ghost Bar. Some fiance she is turning out to be. Jeanette and Natasha want to head to a strip club, so we catch a cab to SIN, near Mandalay Bay which is supposedly run by Penthouse. Our cabbie hooks us up with free admission and two free drinks. Who am I to complain when the girls want to see other naked girls at a Gentleman’s club in Las Vegasr After all we are in Sin City. I propose to Natasha, but get shot down when she tells me she is already engaged to some other guy. Whatever happened to “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”r I was even willing to go straight to the honeymoon and skip the wedding. It turned out to be an ok club. No lap dances for me, just more and more beer and one body shot from the cutest girl in the room with a routine that she had down to a such a science, that it was a little disappointing. So we headed back to Drais and couldn’t cut a deal with the doorman even though the sun was starting to rise again. We headed back to room to get some sleep if we could, since we were trying to make a 1:30 showing of a film called “The Living Wake”.
Day 4: Sunday, June 10, 2007
With another few hours of restless sleep in us Kris and I head to the palms to catch the movie “The Living Wake” Jeanette and Oksana will meet us there after they have their breakfast. I am feeling a bit queasy and need a beer and some pizza to shake off this hangover. The movie is a really quirky little gem of a film, which I enjoyed immensely. Trevor bumped into us and said they had a couple of cabana’s under his name with a couple bottles of Vodka (oh really now) and mixers and we should take advantage of it. Kris made us a couple of cocktails and I mentioned to him that maybe we should get engaged, but Jeanette nixed the idea right away. More Hollywood hipsters were hanging out and soaking up the rays. Dennis Hopper showed up with entourage in tow. He had a camera and was snapping photos along with Tim Roth, who seemed to be there to photograph him for some type of PR. No drinks for them. Just a quick pop in and off they went away. Kris and I were seeing another film before dinner, so we headed to the CineVegas Happy Hour, had our usual and one or two for the road, watched an ok film called the “Fifth Patient” and then headed to the room to round up the girls. Natasha had some Absinthe she smuggled in from Europe, so at dinner we all tried a little. After our great meal at little Buddha we decided to hit the party at Tao, the rooftop pool/club in the Venetian. Walking in with thumping music and strobe lights, I noticed a very limber girl laying on her back with her legs doing the splits, some strippers showingoff their goods, and more free vodka. What more could Dick Hollywood ask forr Since we got there a little late, the party ended pretty soon after, so we decided to hit the Sapphire Club, another gentleman’s club and a sponsor of CineVegas. A free limo ride, free admission, boobies and a couple of drunk Russians in tow, at 2am our night had just begun! Of course, for all of you who know Dick Hollywood, I ended up falling in love with a stripper named “Crystal”. Probably the short hair, amazing body and four days in a row of boozing is what did it for me. I think we might be engaged. We caught a cab back to PH as the sun was starting to rise.
Day 5: Monday, June 10, 2007
I am sober today. I am sweating out all of the beer, vodka, whiskey, absinthe and wine that are in my body. The smell is not nice, but tolerable. Everybody I was with has left. I need some more sleep. I decide to see one more film. A strange one with Joan Chen called “All God’s Children Can Dance”. I get in my car and jump on Highway 15 and head home LA. Dazed and Confused, I feel like I am on the made up drug “Delirium” that they talked about in “The Fifth Patient”. Next time I’ll try to make it for the full nine days and “I’ll Sleep When It’s Over”
Out of 5 Stars here are the Films I saw:
Look: 4 Stars
Eagle vs. Shark: 4 and 1/2 Stars
My Name is Bruce: Work print and I am sworn to secrecy.
The Living Wake: 4 Stars
The Fifth Patient: 3 Stars
All God’s Children Can Dance: 2 and 1/2 Stars