Tomb Raider 2

Long time readers of this site know that Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was my least favorite film of 2001. They know that the producers of the film have privately trashed this site after our about Simon West mulling over taking his name off the credits, as well as our screening report that came out a couple days before the film’s release.

Despite my best intentions, people like you made the film a hit. So thanks to you, the producers feel it’s about time to give you more of what you want. So starting August 26th, across England and Africa, Angelina Jolie will reinflate her bosoms to 60 psi under the direction of franchise killer Jan DeBont.

So what’s the storyline this timer Angelina Jolie gets almost naked a bunch of times for the tittilation of the 15 year olds who can’t talk their parents into renting the director’s cut of Original Sin for them. What else do you needr

Oh yeah. A big bad.

This time around, the big bad is Chen Lo. He is the “brilliant and urbane” (their description, not mine) head of a Chinese crime syndicate. Lo is a savvy businessman and negotiator, and he can also be a ruthless, cold-blooded killer. Must speak English well. And since Lo is Asain, he will (naturally) be able to kick some major Kung Fu ass.

Do your penance. Go see a John Sayles movie.