"Firefly" Characters Revealed

So Joss Whedon has a new series being developed for Fox. And everyone and their dog have reported on the same boring information. Yes, its set 400-500 years in the future on a transport ship that lights up its ass. Hence the name “Firefly.” Yes, we know it’s supposed to be a western show in space that parallels the U.S in the south during Reconstruction after the Civil War. But what about the fucking characters? Your darling little Long Island Lolita has come through again, with fucking fabulous character descriptions for Joss’ new show.

First off, we have the captain, Mal (Nathal Fillion). Witty, nihilistic, and angry. He fought against the Unification of the Planets, and lost. Now he’s stuck on the Serenity where he transports goods and passengers. Not to mention smuggling, theft, illegal salvage, and anything else that’ll make him money and keep the ship flying. He does, however, have the somewhat Southern gentlemen deep within; no murder, no kidnap, and no slave trade, though he will shoot a man if he’s pushed to. Trusts practically no one, and has no institutions. Basically, your gruff, jaded captain who is pissed that he lost the war. I mean, his name means “bad” in French, so what did you expectr

Next we have Zoe, who served with Mal in the war, and now works as a mercenary, smuggler, and thief. This bitch would follow him to hell and back. She’s quietly serious, and a badass, though not mannish. Sounds like Zoe and Mal are meant to be, rightr Well, they would be, if not for her husband…

Yes, her husband, Wash, the pilot. (What were they thinking with these namesr Washr And it gets worse, trust me). He’s unassuming, self-deprecating, and not the fiery hero type at all. His only redeeming qualities are that he’s the pilot, and he’s banging Zoe. Though Zoe is fiercely loyal to Mal, she adores Wash, because he’s calm, nurturing, decent and funny. And a CHUMP! You know she wants to ditch this guy and bang Mal until the planets UN-align.

Now these characters start to get good. Inara is elegant, educated, and lovely, every inch a lady. She’s also a whore. (Yeah! Whores in Space! I like this!) Well, the term is “companion” which is basically a courtesan. She maintains her own space, a shuttle on the ship, and only fucks the high class and decent clientele. Prostitution is legal on almost all the planets (What a world!) and she is nicknamed the “Ambassador” by the crew, since most planets are loath to dock a ship without a decent companion aboard. She is a good citizen, working towards retirement, though why she’s working border planets and not something more respectable is a mystery. She doesn’t bang the crew, though she does like and interact with them. She and Mal don’t get along, but then, Mal doesn’t get along with anyone.

Then we have Kaylee (Jewel Staite), the ship’s mechanic. She is young, chubby, sexy as hell, and relentlessly cheery. She loves life, and loves the ship, which she could take apart and put back together. (God, if I were stuck on a small ship with this girl, I’d end up killing her within a day.) She’s a brilliant mechanic, and couldn’t imagine a better life than keeping this boat afloat.

Then there is Jayne (Adam Baldwin), a mercenary, pure and simple. Big, tough, unpleasant and untrustworthy. Would probably sell them all down the river if he saw an angle, but for now likes the pay and the danger. Good in a fight, but definitely a liability. This character would be great, except it’s a MAN! This has so been done! On “Andromeda” the character of Tyr Anasazi is basically the same thing. And the only thing redeeming about him is that he’s completely yummy, so I hope they cast an equally yummy piece of man for the part of Jayne. Jayne is only going to be in 7 of the 13 episodes.

Next up is Simon, a rich, privileged doctor raised on one of the central planets. He was definitely for the Unification of the Planets (He’s a damn Yankee! HAHA!) which puts him in direct and constant opposition to Mal. (No, they’re just going to get along like best buds. Of COURSE they’re going to be bickering like an old married couple.) He’s young, good looking, and naive, but tough as nails when it comes to protecting someone he loves.

And that leads to River, and extremely smart, severely disturbed and borderline psychic chick. She can’t see the future, but she can tell what most people are thinking, and has no more control over blurting out other people’s thoughts than she has over her own. She’s close to schizophrenic when she arrives, but the sense of family on the ship and a ton of medication help her to become more stable, though never normal. Apart from her psychological trauma, she’s a teenager so her emotions are always a little high. Okay, quick break. When I read this, I thought Joss Whedon had spied on me and taken all my charming features to use for this twisted sister. He forgot one thing though; my insatiable sexual appetite.

Last and certainly least is the boring priest, or “Shepard” Book. Book is older, has been out in the world for a while, so he has a monk’s naivete about affairs. He is aboard Serenity to see the universe, and spread the word of God, not as a missionary imposing it, but as a humble man hoping to bring hope. Though gentle and bemused, he was a man of the world in his youth. Useful in almost anything, great with his hands, even good in a fight if he thinks it’s worthy fighting. Is most comfortable with Inara, since they’re both educated. Sounds like a total snoozer, and another character from “Andromeda;” Rev Bem.

So there it is. Enjoy, people. I must go get myself off to the “XXX” poster.

Mmmm, Vin, here I come…

UPDATE 2/15/02

More casting news was announced today, and Lolita’s story has been updated to reflect these announcements. Filmjerk has learned that only the role of Book has yet to be cast. We’ve also learned you shouldn’t become to attached to Book. He’s only slated to be in ten of the first thirteen episodes.