The Real Dick Hollywood Gives It To Mrs. Thornton

Well, well, well. In order for me to celebrate mediocrity within the film industry (and come up with my snappy one liners) I have to sail through a sea of visceral crap. I do this because I feel a responsibility to all of you film fans to let you know what films to wallow through. Someone has to be brave enough to take on this daunting and prestigious task (nobody else was willing), and that someone is me. For my part, I find myself laughing, crying and screaming obscenities while trying to separate the mediocre from the bad – viewing films that should never have been made in the first place. The celebration of mediocrity in films is, after all, fraught with contradictions. This genre has many more downs than ups and many more lows than highs.

Indeed, the term mediocre is often too high a praise for the things that I watch, but opinions are like assholes: everybody has one.

Wondering if Angelina Jolie had what it takes to be a truly mediocre actor, I decided to watch “Girl Interrupted” for the second time. I have to say that I really like James Mangold’s films. The ending gets a little too neat and tidy for my tastes, but for the most part I liked the film. In it, Angelina Jolie won the 1999 Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her portrayal of troubled young woman, and I will admit that for such a showy, Oscar-loving role, she wasn’t that bad. Not great, but above average. Maybe even above mediocre. It was very similar to her role as “Gia” in the film of the same name, and in both roles she is very believable. From there I moved on to “Pushing Tin.” In this role found her unremarkable, even down right bad. Thanks to (plug plug), what followed was an avalanche of her better-known films back to back. Day after day of Jolie films makes Dick a limp boy.

It was like I was being interrogated and this was my captors way of making me talk. Every character Angelina plays is a pouting, pissed-off, hard-edged gal with a heart of gold. At this rate she should win the Razzie every year as long as she continues to make films. At the end of my viewing, I have to conclude that she fits squarely in this genre, and I highly recommend fans of mediocrity within the film industry check out the plethora of mediocre talents that Angelina has to offer in most of work.

Must-see Jolie Films:

“Cyborg 2” 1993 – Someone actually thought that making this sequel was a good idear Jolie plays a pouting Cyborg. Need I say more? (Boobies!)

“Hackers” 1995 – Pouting rough and tumble roller-blading computer hacker who does not like to lose. Another winner! (Nipple Flash)

“Foxfire” 1996 – A Pouting runaway teen helps to empower other teen girls. (Topless Tattooing Scene = Multiple Boobies!)

“Playing God” 1997 – Pouting gangster moll. Am I missing something here? Who in the hell green lighted this film? (Can’t recall)

“Playing by Heart” 1998 – Pouting club gal looking for Mr. Right and finding Mr. Phillipe. “Angelina! Not half bad! Will miracles never ceaser” (No Boobies)

“Pushing Tin” 1999 – Pouting wife of air traffic controller. The Top Gun of air traffic controller movies. (Boobies!)

“Bone Collector” 1999 – Pouting NYPD trying to catch a clue-leaving killer. Enough already! (No Boobies)

“Gone in 60 Seconds” 2000 – Pouting girlfriend of ex-car thief. It’s now official: Nick Cage has moved to the “Good actors gone bad” stage of his career. (Can’t recall)

“Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” 2001 – Pouting world adventure seeker. The animated video game Lara is a better actor than Jolie. (Kid’s Movie = No boobies)

“Original Sin” 2001 – A Pouting sneaky Femme Fatale. On the plus side: we get to see her naked. On the negative side: we also get to see Antonio Banderas naked. (Boobies!)