Kill The TwentySevenTeenagers!

Another horrible week for movies comes to a close. They need to hurry and release “Knockaround Guys.” I need my new Vin fix soon. Really soon. And I need N’Sync concert tickets. They’re always fucking sold out. Fuck the world.

Speaking of fucking the world, I’m getting really sick of all these so-called “teen” movies that have been coming out the last few years. I’ve noticed some disturbing things that I, as a teenager, am quite mad about.

First off, why are 30 year olds trying to play teens? You’re not fooling anyone, guys. This goes for movies, as well as TV shows. Why is Stacey Dash still playing a teenager? And Freddie Prinze Jr.? Not only are they having 30 year olds playing teenagers, they’re having the most annoying, most untalented 30 year olds playing teenagers. Eliza Dushku, and Kirsten Dunst are fairly believable, because they are still basically teenagers. But the rest? Give me a fucking break.

Another thing is everyone is too beautiful. High school is basically a time of acne, a time of braces, a time of awkwardness and ugly ducklings. It seems every fucking movie is full of old, totally gorgeous hunks and babes. Maybe it’s just me, but my high school was not like that. And in movies like “American Pie” all the teenagers are obsessed with sex, sex, and sex. No real problems teens face every day. I mean, I slept through my last 2 years of high school, and I was not the only one. Several friends of mine became teen mothers, some were raped. Half of the girls in my clique were anorexic. You see my point.

Another thing terribly wrong with teen movies is Freddie Prinze Jr. It boggles my mind that he has made as many shitty movies as he has. And how anyone can find him attractive is beyond me. He’s a fucking bitch who couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. Freddie needs to be violated by a pack of angry rabid donkeys, for days, until he is beaten, broken down, and bleeding out of his ass so bad he has to wear diapers for a week. Then he will understand my pain. The pain of having to see the promos for his movies every 5 minutes on TV, and the banners and billboards everywhere, and the trailers. Oh the horror!

And speaking of horror, the teen/horror flicks also need to go. I can only take so much of the “Scream”/”Urban Legends”/”I Know What You Did Last Summer” crap. No more. It’s been done to death. Literally. It’s no fun if you go in, cheering for all the lame ass fucking “teenagers” to get hacked to pieces. And when some get free, it just pisses me off even more.

Now, there have been a few decent flicks recently. A few. Namely, “10 Things I Hate About You,” and “Save the Last Dance” are the two that pop into mind at first. Both with Julia Stiles. Coincidencer Perhaps not. In short, drop the so-called comedies, and work on more serious subjects. Or don’t, and make another “Bubble Boy” or “Summer
Catch” because those did soooo well, didn’t theyr Cocksuckers.

Until next time, keep your lovely Lolita in your hearts.