The Cute, The Beat, And The Gay

(Editor’s Preface: On behalf of the FilmJerk.com staff, comprised of men and women and of various ages and sexual preferences, we would like to underscore that this column and its views are the opinions and writings of one single female, and not the entire site. Personally, we would like to take a moment to mention that the executive producers of “Smallville” should be strung up by the balls for once again casting 20-something in teenage roles. The industry term is “18 to look younger”, but due to the Dept. of Justice’s little pedophilia-communism crackdown, it is considered a very punishable, very gray area to actually show real teenagers — you know, the young-looking kind? — doing non-Christian things. Sorry guys, but if you had any fingers on the pulse of our changing adolescent cascade, you’d realize that most 16-year-old white suburban males, even the ones from Krypton, do NOT have a hairy chest. Today’s varsity football team could all be in Calvin Klein ads if you chopped their heads off. David Fincher’s “Fight Club” isn’t kidding: machismo is dead. Oh, sorry, go ahead and read. -DS)

Something must be said about a job where all you do is ogle gorgeous men. Because that’s basically all I do. Listening to N’Sync while drooling over these following guys has definitely been a treat. The same old actors get boring after awhile, so I present to you “Lolita’s 5 Most F**kable Up and Coming Actors”.

First up we have Tom Welling, a total unknown, set to star as the young Clark Kent in “Smallville” on the WB. His only other acting included a role on “Judging Amy.” Let me just set this straight: I’m not a Superman fan — I’m a total Batman girl. Mr. Welling, however, is going to get me watching “Smallville” constantly. He’s got that tall dark and handsome brooding thing that just gets me going until I can’t stop rubbing my nipples. He has that innocent clean, good boy image that makes me want to turn him dark, and make him dirty.

Colin Farrell edges his way in after delicious roles in “Tigerland,” “American Outlaws” and numerous other obscure flicks. Mr. Farrell has the honor of being the oldest of the Most F**kable. Which is fabulous, because men, like wine, get better with time. The Dublin native is slated to star in “Hart’s War,” “Minority Report,” and “Phone Booth,” all being released in 2002. Colin is just so adorable with that Irish accent and those big brown eyes. He makes me wet. He makes me melt.

Another thing about your darling Lolita: I loathe “Star Wars.” Seriously. The only thing that got me to watch them was Harrison Ford. Goddamn that man is fucking electric. I saw Episode 1 for Ewan McGregor. And so, to get me to watch Episodes 2 and 3, they cast Hayden Christensen. Bravo. Thank you. Now I just have to get past the doofy hair, and I’ll be perfectly pleasured. Mr. Christensen is also in “Life as a House” coming out this year.

One more obscure unknown making big splashes soon is Justin Chambers, starring as D’Artagnan in “The Musketeer.” Another pretty boy goody goody that I can play with. And I do mean play. Pull out my trunk of goodies, (you know, the one covered with Titanic mini posters) and get dressed in my new corset, fishnets, and heels. After having him lick me from head to toe, I’d take him deep into my world of pleasure and pain. Ahh, there’s just something about a man with a sword.

And finally, we have Paul Walker. True, he was in a lot of shitty teen movies, but I’m willing to wipe clean everything before “The Fast and the Furious.” Because thinking about those flicks makes me want to gag myself with my perfectly manicured nail. Pink nail polish too, it’s so cute. I was going to put the letters N*S*Y*N*C across them, but decided against it at the last minute. But I digress again. Mr. Walker showed incredible promise, and even managed to hold his own against the magnificent Vin Diesel — now THAT’S saying something. He’s next appearing in “Joyride” a creepy thriller which unfortunately looks like total shit.

Now, after writing this, and looking at pictures of all these totally gorgeous, totally f**kable men, I’m heading to my bubble bath, where I will pleasure myself with the faucets until I pass out. I urge you all to do the same.

Until next week, Lolita out.

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