America’s Sweethearts: Rant Or Review? You Decide

As I left work today, I was feeling really bad about myself, so I decided to check out the latest “comedy” from The Mouth…

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much this film. I don’t think much of Mrs. Douglas, and I wouldn’t classify myself as a level one Billy Crystal fan. Joe Roth can run a studio, but his previous outings as a director have left much to be desired.

So why bother seeing <i>America’s Sweethearts</i>?

Cusack and The Mouth.

For the most part, Cusack can make the worst piece of cinematic shit shine, or at least the parts he is involved in. He’s pretty good at picking good material and I’ve been a fan since his early supporting roles in Class and Sixteen Candles. I’ve sat through a lot of crap to watch the man work, and he always keeps me interested.

But The Mouth… oh man… ever since Satisfaction… that chick has done something to me that’s unnatural. Her acting abilities leave something to be desired, but there’s something about The Mouth that would make me go through an entirety in the clutches of Centobites to be able to wake to her smile just once. HEY! SHUT THE FUCK UP! I bet you got some embarrassing lust object you don’t want anyone to know about. I’ll bet yours is really disgusting, like Rue McClanahan or Marge Schott.

Anyway, America’s Sweethearts is the antithesis of The Player. Where the derisive genius of a Robert Altman or a Michael Tolkin can and will dare to expose the daily behind the scenes bullshit within the dream factory, a lesser “artist” such as a Joe Roth or a Billy Crystal dares not to push the envelope. They must conform to the desires of the masses, to bring home only the most syrupy of stories, where the fans only give a shit about one thing… The Mouth getting together with the right guy by the end of the movie. Everything else is irrelevant.

They know The Mouth has to get Mr. Right in the end. Fans of The Mouth won’t accept anything less. This film probably never would have gotten made had The Mouth not agreed to be the star of the film. It exists to placate the fans who rejected The Mexican because they wanted to see The Mouth with Bradley throughout the movie, not just in little bite sized pieces here and th…

Screw this.

THE FILM HAS FUCKING PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE!

FUCK YOU, JOE ROTH, YOU FUCKING NO TALENT HACK! YOU MADE A EXASPERATING WORK OF UTTER SHIT! THIS IS A TV MOVIE WITH AN $80M BUDGET! HOW DARE YOU GET THE BEST FUCKING ACTOR UNDER 40 TO BE YOUR MALE LEAD AND FORCE HIM TO STAY SUCH INCONSEQUENTIAL DRIVEL! FUCK YOU FOR MAKING THE MOUTH PLAY IT SAFE! FUCK YOU FOR CASTING PEOPLE AS BORING AS CATHERINE ZETA-JONES AND SETH GREEN AS ANYTHING! FUCK YOU FOR WASTING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN AND STANLEY TUCCI ON GLORIFIED CAMEOS! AND FUCK YOU FOR GIVING HANK AZARIA THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE: “JUST PRETEND I’M MIKE NICHOLS AND THIS IS THE SET OF THE BIRDCAGE“!

FUCK YOU, BILLY CRYSTAL, FOR TRYING TO SALVAGE YOUR EVER SHRINKING ACTING CAREER BY ALLOWING JOE ROTH TO BASTARDIZE YOUR SCRIPT, WHILE YOU AND PETER JUST SAT THERE WITH YOUR THUMBS UP YOUR FUCKING ASS! SO WHAT IF THE MOUTH WANTED TO DO IT! SO WHAT IF YOU HAD AN EASY $30M OPENING! HAVE SOME FUCKING PRIDE IN YOUR WORK! YOU SHOULD HAVE MARKED INTO JOE ROTH’S OFFICE AND TOLD HIM “I AM NOT GOING TO SIT HERE WITH MY THUMB UP MY ASS, WATCHING YOU BRING WRITER AFTER WRITER TO BASTARDIZE MY STORY SO YOU CAN PLEASE THE MOUTH AND MRS. DOUGLAS!

FUCK YOU, MICHAEL DOUGLAS, FOR GIVING CATHY A LONGER CAREER!

FUCK YOU, HANK AZARIA! YOU ARE NOT BELIEVABLE AS A LATIN ANYTHING, LET ALONE A LOVER ANYTHING!

FUCK YOU, JOHN CUSACK, FOR SELLING YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL TO DO A PIECE OF SHIT LIKE THIS. EVEN IF IT WILL HELP YOU GET MORE FILMS LIKE HIGH FIDELITY MADE.

BUT MOST ALL… FUCK YOU, MOUTH! FUCK YOU FOR NOT TRUSTING BILLY AND PETER AND TAKING A GREAT RISK IN YOUR CAREER!

FUCK ALL THIS! I’M GOING TO CLEANSE MY SYSTEM WITH A BEER AND MY TOXIC AVENGER DVD!

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