Meet The Real Dick Hollywood

I wish that I could tell you that I give a damn about The Jerk’s fucking little site, but I do not! I told the rat fuck I would write something for him, and I have begun again and again with some lame ideas for some lame rants, but still I have yet to finish anything and send it off to old shit for brains. And I can come to only one conclusion as to why I have and always have procrastinated all of my life… I am a lazy, good-for-nuttin’, low-down hack of a writer who has and always will be striving for mediocrity. Therefore it is only fitting that I will celebrate with you all of the Mediocrity within the film industry. There is so much Mediocre talent to talk about, I should be able to help out FJ with pages and pages of useless information, or at least lines and lines of crap.

Let me begin with Mediocre Actors. Believe me there are so many to choose from, I do not know really know where to begin. Ok, ok let me begin with an easy one: Steven Seagal. In his prime (when he wasn’t too bloated), Steve-o was on top of game in the action/revenge genre. Then he went and got all spiritual on us (On Deadly Ground and Glimmer Man) and started to emulate the “King of Mediocre” cult film star Tom Laughlin (a.k.a. Billy Jack). I will show you how non-violent I am by beating peacefulness into you. Seagal can’t act, not even badly. He is not stoic except for his monotone speech pattern. He truly strives for mediocre greatness with each new film he makes. Steven is Mediocre in every sense of the word: Let’s celebrate Steven Seagal and all things Mediocre within the film industry.

Mediocre adj 1: moderate to inferior in quality; “they improved the quality from mediocre to above average”; “he would make a poor spy” [syn: poor, second-rate] 2: of no exceptional quality or ability; “a novel of average merit”; “only a fair performance of the sonata”; “in fair health”; “the caliber of the students has gone from mediocre to above average”; “the performance was middling at best” [syn: average, fair, middling] 3: poor to middling in quality; “there have been good and mediocre and bad artists

Must see films: Seagal’s performances in these movies have moments of true Mediocre brilliance.

“Above the Law” (1988): The one that started it all. Not too bad of a Revenge Flick.

“Under Siege” (1992): Die Hard on a boat. Ass Kicking Cook or should I say KOOK.

“On Deadly Ground” (1994): Steve-o gets all “Native” on us. Peace through Non-Violent Ass-Kicking, or something like that.

“Executive Decision” (1996): Fat Ass does us a favor and dies early in this film.

“The Glimmer Man” (1996): He is down with the Homey’s!

“Exit Wounds” (2001): Damn he must really be down with the Homey’s!

Do Steve-o a favor. Get your ass down to a Ballbuster and rent some of these classics. Maybe the suits at Warners will notice the resurgence of rentals in his films and greenlight “Under Siege 3,” which you know you want to see.