MGM, Meet New Line. New Line, Meet MGM

While sister company Fine Line is gearing up for this weekend’s release of the highly anticipated transgender rock musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch, big brother has quietly been putting a number of films back into the editing bays, hoping to not become the company’s next Town and Country.

One film which certainly won’t be is Run, Ronnie, Run, from the guys who brought us the barely watched ‘Mr. Show’. Made on a shoestring budget in Hollywood terms, cult comedy faves Bob Odenkirk and David Cross (whose fans seem to think they are pure genius, but I suspect that’s only because these people’s history of comedy probably begins with ‘In Living Color’ and have never heard of Kovacs or Bruce or O’Donoghue or even Williams and Martin for that matter) have surrounded themselves with the fringe dwellers of barely show biz cool (Jack Black, Nikki Cox, Jeff Goldblum, the “South Park” boys, a couple of Kids In The Hall, Maynard JK and OH MY GOD!!! “’Adam 12’s’ KENT MCCORD!!!!!!”) to tell the allegedly wacky tale of Ronnie Dobbs, whose life story makes Joe Dirt sound interesting. I can just imagine having a conversation about this film with one certain former New Line President of Production… “I must have snorting coke off Julianne Moore’s ass during a screening of Magnolia when I approved it. I hear it turned out worse than It’s Pat. The marketing people don’t know what to do with it, since the film only appeals to 0.25% percent of the American public. Wait… yeah, one quarter of one percent. Even if every single person who has ever seen an episode of ‘Mr. Show’ goes to see this movie, that’s only $4,012,500 in gross. And if they can also manage to get every Jeff Goldblum fan to see the film as well, that’ll grow to $4,012,537. I’m so glad I left there, took a few months off and went to a new company which has balls to make some great films. GO SHREK! And don’t forget to see The Last Castle with Robert Redford in November.”

Then we have Knockaround Boys, the directing debut from the guys who wrote Rounders. Uhm, excuse me, but did anyone bother to SEE Rounders before they greenlit thisr If you have a movie that’s directed by John Dahl and has a cast that includes Ed Norton and John Malkovich and Famke Jannsen and John Turturro, and somehow that movie still sucks, it’s probably not because of Matt Damon or Gretchen whateverhernamewas. If a kick ass director and a killer cast can’t liven up this dead story, there is only one place to lay the blame. But, no, not only do you guys allow these dipshits to direct a movie, but you let them cast whomever they want. Sure, I know you cats at New Line really dig Seth Green. He’s cute for a thirty year old midget. But never in a million years is any filmmaker going to convince me that that got his start as a doppelganger for Woody Allen in Radio Days is anything remotely resembling a gangster type. He’s Scott Evil. He’s Miracle Whip. A Diet 7-Up. A Milky Way Lite bar. That pasty “sauce” McDonald’s puts on thei Breakfast bagels. He’s bland. Insipid. Tasteless. Unappealing. Lackluster. Boring. Ordinary. Bland. A red haired male Thora Birch sans bitch tits. This little fuck came walking up to me with a gun, I’d laugh at him before picking the weebil up and throwing him across the room. I bet this weebil will wobble, then fall down. But that doesn’t matter right now, because I will never get shorty. What does matter is the film. Knockaround Boys is this year’s Texas Rangers, constantly having its release date moved back farther and farther as the suits try to figure out someway to make it work. Sorry, Bob Shaye, this fucker isn’t ever going to work. Cut your losses, pawn it off on Fine Line and dump it on Starz! or whomever you have cable contracts with.

But wait. There’s more! Andrew Niccol, whose film Gattaca proved that the true genius behind The Truman Show was Peter Weir, has seen his latest directorial effort, the oh so chicly named S1m0ne, pushed back from its fall 2001 release to “sometime in 2002”. Rumors have it that the film, whose title character is one of those brand spanking new “photorealistic” actor types a la Final Fantasy, is taking longer to create than initially expected. However, we hear that the delay is because caused by a certain lead male star’s need to be digitally retouched to look more like he did… oh, say, around the time of Author, Author. Seems this Oscar winner may have been a bit miffed when the company rushed a set photo of him and his vivacious female costar to the Los Angeles Times for inclusion in their annual Year In Movies Preview section back in January. Certainly an old man such as this could not have just knocked Beverly D’Angelo up. Ah, vanity.

Other new kids on the chopping block include the virtual reality horror film Jason X (which is, of course, the tenth part of the series that had been threatening to stop since Part VI), John Q (Denzel goes nutzoid), Cheaters (picked from the bankrupt Destination Films) and All About The Benjamins (with that pairing of Ice Cube and Anthony Michael Hall that film fans worldwide have been screaming for). New Line hasn’t released shit since Blow three months ago. They have Rush Hour 2 in a couple weeks and the first Lord Of The Rings movie in December. Outside of that, they got nothing. But hey, if you’re going to find your tit in the wringer because you shitcanned the one guy who got you where you were in the first place, might as well be prudent and put out two big films a year instead of two big films and ten pieces of shit.

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