On The Road With Tyler Durden: I Am Jack’s Rabid Gerbil…

Savant reporting in. Several publications, including the IMDB, the Independent – London, and others, reported yesterday that Francis Ford Coppola was set to produce a filmed version of Jack Kerouac’s classic beatnik tale ‘On The Road’, a masterpiece heralded by potheads and hippies everywhere. Allow me to interject something here: I don’t feel that ‘On The Road’ should ever be filmed, nor that it could be filmed. But… while it’s not quite Gilliam, F.F. Coppola is a master, and that isn’t so bad, right?

Wrong. It gets worse. Brad Pitt is set to star as Moriarty (no relation to AICN’s McWeeny, nor the Doyle character), who is based on Neal Cassady, a car thief/beatnik/auteur kinda guy. Okay, that’s not so bad. I like Pitt, he’s the most underrated actor of his generation. The guy is a great leading man, yet he’s subtle… you always know that it’s Pitt, but you never realize how good he’s acting. He’s not flashy like Brando or Nicholson, who also play themselves as leading men… just louder. Pitt has won my hard-earned respect in “Fight Club” and especially “12 Monkeys”, and I completely respect that he does shit like “Meet Joe Black” to cash the eight-figure check so he can take risky roles, roles like this one. Is he the right choicer I don’t think so. But so far, I can live with this, rightr

Wrong. It gets much worse. Now let’s come to who’s signed to direct this masterwork… none other than JOEL FUCKING SCHUMACHER. Yeah, the same fucking Joel Schumacher who completely fucked up the Batman franchise. The same fucker who dribbled his sorry seed and ruined dozens of films. What the fuck was Coppola smoking, and why isn’t he sharingr

Joel Schumacher is not a talentless hack, okayr Joel Schumacher is so far beyond talentless, he makes Ed Wood look like Orson Welles… he’s not worth the money he paid for the gerbil that’s currently rumbling in his jungle, hell, he’s not worth the price of disposing the gerbil after it OD’s from coke and stabbing itself on the stalactites of 30-year-old cum that reside deep inside his crusty bowels. A lot of you think I’m just ranting and venting… no, I’m not, I actually want physical torture and death inflicted on this abortion-gone-wrong for all the pain he caused me, for all the hours of my life I have murdered from watching his putrid shit, for the money I paid to take a date to see “Batman & Robin” while on ‘shrooms… this evil fuck has no vision, no sense, no idea, no imagination, no clue, no cause, nothing.

Schumacher has bastardized every single fucking film he has touched, with two exceptions. I will spare this guy’s fucking life for two reasons alone. One, he gave us Brad Renfro. That’s worth commuting the sentence of death, although Senor Renfro has completely fucked up his own career by stealing boats and getting caught. Two, he gave us “Falling Down.” Or rather, he managed to take a great script, and for the only time in his career, NOT fuck it up. Mind you, the film was lackluster because it could have been so much better, but I will give him credit for somehow… somehow… not completely fucking that film up, and I think you for that. But this guy fucked up the Batman franchise with his fucking nipple suits and ass shots and poor continuity. The list goes on for twenty miles, but I’m stopping here, these above two are more than enough.

You know who Joel Schumacher would be if he had an iota of talentr Gus Van Sant. And that’s not saying much… remember, Van Sant followed up great films like “My Own Private Idaho” and “Good Will Hunting” with… the “Psycho” remake and a Hanson music video. Hanson!! Fuck you, Joel Schumacher, for not being at least as good as Gus Van Fucking Sant. Fuck you for making this movie. And FUCK YOU FOR HITTING ON MY EDITOR… yeah, God’s honest truth, Schumacher asked Ed out on a date. He’ll tell you the rest. I’m outta here. Fuck, man. PS – Hate mail can be sent to filmjerk@filmjerk.com

(FilmJerk here. Yes, it’s true. During the filming of “Batman Forever,” I had the displeasure of being in the same general area as Schumacher. Maybe he remembered me from the couple of times I was a backup PA on “Falling Down,” which my other best friend and then roommate worked on. But each time, Schumacher would make a bee line to me and just start talking to me. Never mind I might fucking be busy with something. No man, that didn’t matter to the guy who fucking wrote “Car Wash”!!! The bitch kept trying to get me to stop by and see him on the set of his piece of shit in the making… never mind that I could get my ass on the Warners lot any fucking time I damn well felt like it. When I was recruiting people to work on my failed first film project, “A Slice of the Underground,” I used to impress certain people by taking them on the Warners tour. You’d be amazed the way some people who think they are Hollywood savvy react when someone else can drive them onto a studio lot and walk around unbothered. I’d call up my contact at the studio and say “Hey man, I’ve got this editor I’m trying to impress and he’s fucking in love with Teri Hatcher. Mind if I drop by tomorrow around two and take him into the sets of Lois and Clarkr” Never was I denied entry, and after a while, the guards at Gate 5 would just wave me in. So one day, after the third or fourth time Schumacher invited me down, I popped in onto the set and said hello. I was invited to lunch, but I blew the fucker off… not literally, mind you. I was taking another potential crew member to lunch at the commissary and attempting to get onto the set of ER, of which I was unsuccessful. But that was cool too. We got onto the set of Family Matters that time, and the dork got to sit in the Urkel car. If only my fucking producing partner actually got the money she said she was going to get, I wouldn’t be sitting here, knocking my pud on some fucking web site. Maybe I should have been Schumacher’s little fucktoy after all.)

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