News from June 11, 2001

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider… An Alan Smithee Movie?

Only a few days before the much anticipated film opens in over 3300 screens come Friday. Some of you might already know that editor extraordinaire Stuart Baird has been brought on board to try to whip the film into shape. So what is director Simon West doing? He is mulling his options, including taking his name off the credits.

According to my source, West didn’t have much to work with. One such exchange had West having some very unpleasant things to say about finding a “fucking take Ms. Tits approaches an acting performance in”. Upon screening the final cut, he rushed an editing team to the site and had them taking notes as fast as he could rant. But that still wasn’t enough for Paramount, who is scared shitless that Tomb Raider will be a megabomb. One early review from the Boston Globe called it “The refund demand movie of the summer”. Even David Manning said Tomb Raider is “A whopping and festering bowl of dog snot. In my entire career this is the first time I’ve EVER walked out of a movie.”

West is remaining publicly quiet for now. The DGA does not allow a director to take the Smithee opt-out if they have spoken out against their film until a decision has been made. If he does go this route, it will be the first time credits would have to be changed after a film has opened. How will it all play outr Stay tuned…

God Bless America

The first big head to head showdown of Summer 2001 has passed us by. And once again, the horny, lonely 18-24 males ruled the day. Fueled by the mass media breasticle of Halle Berry baring her melons, the otherwise homoerotic Swordfish ruled the weekend over fellow freshman Evolution and previous champs Shrek and Pearl Harbor.

Critics were sharply divided by the film. David Manning called Swordfish “the most mammarable movie of the millennium,” while our own Dark Savant lamented that his video survellance tape of Stephen Baldwin sucking on Paul Bartel’s nuts during the wrap party for The Usual Suspects had far better cinematography, plot and character. Senor Ebert gave the film one prick up, though he adamantly stated his wife has better jugs, while the chattering monkeyboy he handpicked to replace Gene Siskel gave it one limp dick down, noting “the filmmakers had both male leads banging the hot chick because were too afraid of their own sexual identities to fully explore the overt homoerotic overtones”. When asked to elaborate, Ebert’s little Charlie McCarthy rushed out the door and hopped into a pink Caddy convertible being driven by a dragged up John Leguizamo, stating “I would love to stay and talk about Hugh Jackman’s tight ass, but we’re late for a screening of Kiss of the Spider Woman.”

Ironically, the only major critic to not issue a review of Swordfish was Michael Medved. Unable to locate Mr. Medved, I plied his personal assistant with tequila, marijuana and a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints until he admitted Medved had missed the press screening because he was tied up at Larry Flynt’s mansion, receiving barium enemas from next month’s Hustler Honey. I can’t say I blame him. If I had a choice between the two, I would make the same call.

Say “Hello” to Kitten for me, Michael.

Xanadu 2: Electric Boogaloo

We’re slowly learning more about the movie of the life story of Eminem that will be directed by Oscar winner Curtis Hanson. Hanson was recently overheard, while dining on a large slab of beef at the Los Angeles Ruth’s Chris, that the movie will be a modern day throwback to the movie musicals of old. Slim Shady himself was seen entering a Parisian recording studio with Sting a few days ago, to record a new version of the classic Police song “Every Breath You Take.” Entitled “Bitch, I Got My Eye On Yo!,” the song will be played over a scene where his character catches his wife (to be played by Winona Ryder) leaving a bar arm in arm with another man.

And speaking of Sting, his former band mate Branford Marsalis recently cut his own track with the artist formerly known as Marshall Mathers. The two hooked up in Barbados to record the upcoming first single from The Real Branford Marsalis, “Sting,” in which the saxophonist talks about his desire to throw the pop legend into the truck of his car and drive him off a bridge. Other songs on the album will include “Jay Leno Is A Big, Fat Bitch” and “Go Fuck Yourself, Wynton.”