Dark Savant’s Plum & The Melancholy Sadness Of Political Assviolation

Hey folks, Savant here. I got a real scorcher for you dopes today, and I don’t know why I haven’t committed it to paper beforehand. Let’s start from the beginning.

The year is sometime in the late 1990’s, in the year of our botched Caesarian calendar. I’m still just a kid at this point, and I have lots of high friends. Several of these high friends are involved with the film industry… I always like to keep those kinds of dudes around. Two of them know this “guy” who makes movies, his latest being a black-and-white indie that happens to feature Leonardo DiCaprio and a then-unknown Tobey Maguire, amongst others. They both have seen it. I take a hit from the pipe and ask for more information.

The film is called “Don’s Plum,” and it’s about several friends spending a night in a diner, which happens to be called… Don’s Plum. It’s a ‘talk indie’, you know, where most of the film takes place in one location, while the characters dish out dirt about their lives. I am told there are several points where characters apparently make heartfelt confessions to a bathroom mirror. And the dialogue is rumored to be very fresh, at least in the post-“Clerks” era.

These two dudes have seen the film. They know the “guy”. They have read the shooting script. They detail to me how the film is, quote, “outstanding, but not for everybody” and “one of the better indie flicks out there”. I am told of a bidding war between art houses, even Miramax, and a very substantial interest in the film. I say something to the effect of “right on” and stare at a wall for a few hours. Somewhere in the middle, I make mention that I must see this film one day.

I never have, of course, because if you’re reading this, you’re well aware that one of the film’s producers, Dave Stutman, (who might just be “the guy”) brought a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Leo and Tobey because, well, they used legal muscle to prevent the film’s release. I have read that things were settled, and that the film cannot be shown in North America, but anywhere else is okay.

I asked those friends, some years back, why would Leo and Tobey halt such a good filmr They don’t know, but are willing to speculate. The official reason: it was just an exercise, and never meant to be shown to anyone.

Quote: “There is some speculation about Leo’s sexuality already, and several of the players in this project are openly gay.” Now, wait a minute. I have been told that Leo’s character is gay-free in this flick. And yeah, I’ve seen that horrid period piece where he takes it in the ass like a little bitch. I’ve also seen those post-The Beach pics of him and some seedy young dude trotting around like pixies. So I don’t buy this, not for a second.

2nd Quote: “It’s possible that, indeed, it’s just an exercise, and was never meant to be distributed.” BULLSHIT. Hello, if something is good, it will help your career. Deals could have been reworked if money was an issue. People do things for two reasons: 1, because they believe in them, or 2, because it will help them in some way, or a combination of the two. Oh yeah, we’re gonna bring a camera and make a little indie flick and do multiple shots and takes and NEVER SHOW IT TO ANYONEr Shut the fuck up.

3rd Quote: “I’ve heard that there may have been a falling out between the producers or directors and DiCaprio. It’s quite possible this move was done just to get some revenge.” AH HA! That’s sounding better. That’s sounding like the Hollywood I know!

I write this article now because I know you don’t really give a shit. There are only 300-some-odd films released each year, and you never hear of most of them. Hundreds more are actually made each year, most don’t ever see the light of day. Go to the American Film Market and you’ll see the ones that barely made the cut, the filmic graveyard for foreign territory rights. Films with Sandra Bullock, Ben Affleck, Brad Renfro, and the awesome C. Thomas Howell. Films from 1989. Films that won’t die. Films that never had a shot.

Here’s one that had a shot, but someone sabotaged the gun.