Who Wants To Be A Drunken Irishman and other rants

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing here.

It’s damn near 3AM as I sit and write this. I need to be at work in five and a half hours, but instead of getting the beauty sleep I so desperately need, I’m sitting at my desk, listening to Camper Van Beethoven, lighting up God only know what number cigarette of the night and bitching about my inability to do anything to the few people even know this damn site exists.

I have a web site to run. A script I started writing in 1997 only at page 30 and due to a producer friend of mine in a little more than three weeks. So what the hell did I do all weekendr Screwed around online, watched the Avalanche lose to the Devils and somewhat paid attention to the Tony awards (big fucking shock there! The Producers won everything but Best Performance by a Thong). That’s about it.

Well, I was waiting for some articles to come in.

Savant is supposedly finishing his next interview, which may or may not be ready in time for Christmas. He’s babbling on with his counterpart at another site. I don’t know what’s going on, but they’ve been bouncing queries and rejoinders back and forth for weeks now. If this interview doesn’t end soon, I’m going to need to call Tina Brown and see if she can get us a book deal. Who do they think they are, Hitchcock and Truffautr Billy Wilder and Cameron Crower Stop yanking each other’s chains and finish already!

My guy in Florida, CabanaBoy, promised me a review of Atlantis and an expose on how our friends at King Rat are being fascists with some reviewers. I was supposed to have it Saturday evening. Then I was supposed to have it Sunday afternoon. Come one CabanaBoy, it’s five AM your time on Monday morning, for crying out loud!

So that’s why there weren’t any updates this weekend. But fear not, faithful devotees. Your continued support is much appreciated and will not go unrewarded.

Who Wants To Be A Drunken Irishmanr

Seriously. That’s not a putdown. In this day and age of failing dot coms giving employees generous severance packages of up to eight weeks in salary (the latest being AtomShockwave, who just announced they are shitcanning 70% of their workforce after receiving nearly $23M in VC from a consortium of investors), Guinness is taking care of the people who made them great.

Depending on how long they were employed by the company, the workers of the about to close Dundalk packaging plant will receive severance pay up to 147,000 pounds plus health insurance, school scholarships for the kiddies… and up to a ten year allowance of the world famous dark stout.

And just how much beer is thatr “It is a tradition within the industry that employees get a beer allowance, amounting to around two bottles a day,” said Pat Barry, director of corporate affairs for Guinness Ireland.

Two bottles a dayr For ten yearsr Damn my German/Canadian heritage!

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Oscar

Viacom’s music cable network behemoth MTV gave out their 2001 Movie Awards over the weekend. The chock full of nuts combination of the worst Golden Globe shows and any season of SNL after Billy Crystal and Chris Guest, minor acts played their minor hits in between really bad movie parodies and the occasional golden popcorn bucket giveaway.

Tom Cruise accepted his Best Male Performance for his stellar performance in Viacom owned Paramount Pictures’ production of Mission: Impossible 2, just weeks after accepting his Kids’ Choice Award from the Viacom owned Nickelodeon cable channel, then stopped backstage briefly to chat to Cameron Diaz, his costar in the upcoming Viacom owned Paramount Pictures’ production of Vanilla Sky, who gave Tom his appearance check of $1M, before hopping into his limo to get away from “all these people who only earn $20M a picture… or less!”. Diaz came to accept the awards for Best Dance Sequence and Best On-Screen Team for Charlie’s Angels. Costars Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore (who also co-produced the film) were not able to attend, because… well, they have a modicum of talent and taste.

Erica Christensen, the ingenue from Traffic, won for Best Female Breakthrough Performance. Erica celebrated afterwards by stripping off all her clothes, shot up in front of the reporters and having sex with several of the press contingency, all the while muttering repeatedly “This is sooooooooo cool!”

Sofia Coppola snagged the Best New Filmmaker Award, which was won last year by her husband Spike Jonze. From his winery in Napa Valley, Francis Ford Coppola started calling all this other kids, cousins, nieces and nephews and every other relation his could think of, trying to get them to make movies he can finance. “We can start a new dynasty here!,” proclaimed the multiple Oscar winning director.

You can catch a truncated version of the MTV Movie Awards Thursday night and every night thereafter until the MTV Music Awards in September.

Joey Lieberman Strikes Back

The Senator from Connecticut has responded to Jack Valenti’s recent missive concerning legislation Lieberman and fellow Democratic Senator Dennis Rodham Clinton are introducing to curb the selling of R rated movies to kids. In the interest of fair play, I will first present Lieberman’s open letter to Valenti, as first printed in Variety:

I appreciate my friend Jack Valenti’s passion for the First Amendment and the MPAA ratings system. But it appears from Jack’s recent criticisms of my work that his love is blinding him to reality.

Indeed, contrary to Jack’s apocalyptic descriptions, my legislation prohibiting the deceptive marketing of adult-rated movies to children does not in any way intrude on the free speech rights of producers. It does not give the Federal Trade Commission any authority to regulate content in any way. Nor does it give the FTC the authority to determine what movies are appropriate for kids, or to “make movie-rating decisions” for parents, as Jack wrongly asserts.

This bill — which is co-sponsored by Senators Herb Kohl (D-Wis.), Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.) — only applies to the kind of indefensible practices the FTC uncovered in its report last fall. It says that if a studio voluntarily labels a movie as inappropriate for kids under 17, and then directly markets it to that same audience, that is a deceptive act. Under our bill, the offending company would, like any other business that engages in deceptive advertising, be held accountable by the FTC, through the same rules and same civil penalties.

The fact is that federal courts have consistently upheld the authority of the FTC to regulate deceptive advertising. Obviously, there are free speech concerns any time the government restricts speech, commercial or otherwise. But the First Amendment is not a license to deceive, regardless of whether you are selling moisturizer or movies.

That said, I agree with Jack that self-regulation is the optimal solution to this problem and the best way to avoid a protracted court fight. The FTC said as much when it recommended that the movie industry adopt a tough voluntary policy expressly prohibiting the targeting of R-rated movies to children and a system for enforcing the standard.

Unfortunately, while a few studios such as Disney, Warner Bros. and Fox have responded commendably with policies of their own, the MPAA has to date failed to develop an industry wide policy, let alone an enforcement mechanism.

That is why, in response to Jack’s question, my colleagues and I decided to introduce our bill of last resort. We did, in fact, pay close attention to the FTC’s most recent report. It found that despite some progress, a few studios are continuing to target R-rated movies to children. And it reiterated the need for the kind of industry wide policy that Jack has refused to adopt to stop this practice once and for all.

The real puzzling question here is why the MPAA will not say unequivocally that it is wrong to directly target heavily violent, R-rated movies to children. My hope is that Jack will stop using the First Amendment as a smokescreen and start getting serious about self-regulation. But if he is not going to do the right thing and put an end to a practice that much if not most of the creative community has condemned, then we will.

Really, Senatorr Isn’t it ironic your asking Valenti not to use the First Amendment as a smokescreenr I thought that’s what Mr. And Mrs. Clinton did their entire eight years in the White House. Hiding behind the Constitution and blaming the other side for a vast conspiracy against them. No wonder many Americans are starting to think of the Republicrats as a single party with two heads.

Strangely enough, Senator, of the three Senators sponsoring this bill will you, not a single one is a Republican, and they are the ones who usually are attacking Hollywood for their continued marketing of disgusting material to the youth of America. If you can’t get one single Republican to co-sponsor your bill that will penalize Hollywood for their marketing practices, maybe that in and of itself is a sign of how badly written this bill is, and a damn good reason to rethink your position, Sir.

Pearl Harbor Goes Kamikaze On The World’s Cinemas

After taking in an astounding $113M in its first ten days of release in America, the Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay film began its full frontal assault on the rest of the globe. In six foreign territories, Pearl Harbor took in a reported $12M US, including $4.6M in its first three days in England. $12M in three days, or roughly the total worldwide gross for Gilliam’s Brazil.

I’ll Whore FilmJerk.com And Its Writers Out… If The Price Is Right

News broke over the weekend that Sony Pictures is investigating rumors one of their advertising employees faked positive blurbs for several Columbia Pictures films over the past year, including Hollow Man and A Knight’s Tale, attributed to a “David Manning” of the Ridgefield, Conn.-based Ridgefield Press. For A Knight’s Tale, Manning proclaimed, “Heath Ledger is the year’s HOTTEST STAR!” Not only does that not have anything to do with the movie, many people were proclaiming that LAST YEAR when Ledger starred besides Mel Gibson in The Patriot.

So, if there is anyone at Sony who reads this site, I’m sure Savant will gladly give you pabulum to help sell your crap in exchange for one of your high end DVCams and some KinoFlo’s. Hell, all I need right now is some “assistance” in moving my very small operation to New York’s Lower East Side. We’ve already given you guys a good review for Brother. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, rightr Watch, here is my instant review for your upcoming Final Fantasy:

”Phenomenal! Unlike any other movie you’ve ever seen!” – Edward Havens, FilmJerk.com

And I haven’t even seen it yet. But go ahead and use it. New Line quoted some anonymous fuck sending in a scoop to Harry Knowles for Detroit Rock City. I’m offering you the editor in chief of a movie news web site with the 47th largest daily readership of all movie news web sites.

But you better get me while you can. I understand the gang down at the Motion Picture Corporation of America are looking for a new ass-kisser now that George Christy is soon to be out of work.