On this evening, as the drugs begin to take hold, I notice to myself just how good this Cherry-flavored Cola with the movie promotional advertisement on it tastes. As I sip gingerly, savoring that sweet, sweet caffeine, I notice how my hand perfectly frames the logo, turning my entire being into an extended walking advertisement for this shitty product. I remember how I used to mock commercials where the actors would perform what I call the “commercial hold”, where they would do what I just described. No longer can we truly “obey our thirst” or reach for “the joy of cola” because we are slaves to the advertising market. If we weren’t, we?d just drink water. Oh, wait, they found a way to sell that shit too, didn’t they?
On this evening, as the drugs begin to take hold, I ponder to myself exactly why I feel this strange burning sensation near my anus.
Five Nair – free minutes later, I gingerly sit down to compile our next interview, the thing that you shall be compelled to read down below. Naked I am, letting my freedom hang by my knee and sway in the California heat, propelled by the occasional thought of anime elves and gusts of wind from my trippy ceiling fan. Drunk on alcohol and ether, I prepare to mentally beam my next interview onto the page.
On this evening, as the drugs begin to take hold, I realize that I’ve made a horrible mistake and taken a potentially trippy dose of pussy tranquilizer and this strange leafy substance used by the Pacific Islanders to make testicles shrivel. As I rock back and forth, the universe unfolds upon itself and I projectile-vomit a crucifix into my nude, autographed photo of Joel Schumacher. I have forever left the realm of normal reality, if such a thing can be thought to exist, and will not return.
Our resident curmudgeon has finally pulled himself out of his funk and gotten back to the job of verbally harassing the timid and the weak. Tonight’s victim is Mark Tapio Kines, director of “Foreign Correspondents.”
As with any Dark Savant communiqué, parental discretion is advised.
On this evening, as the drugs begin to take hold, I sit down to write what you are more than likely skimming through right now. I was asked earlier by FilmJerk, editor of this website and capricious filmsloth, to contribute material to his causes. When it turned out that my crude genetic materials were not a valid “contribution,” I turned to my much abused-and-neglected writing skill. So welcome to my mind, the mind of Dark Savant. This is my column. Be warned. This week, I had the pleasure of my first victim: lovely Canuck filmmaker JESSICA HUDSON. Jessica is an indie filmmaker currently in pre-production on Drop Dead Roses, scheduled to star Brian O’Halloran (Dante of Clerks fame) and Eddie McGee (the winner of Big Brother). And like every good interviewer should, I found out how to find naked pictures of her online.