Warner Bros Sez: Jennifer Garner = Barbara Stanwyck

I’ll give you a moment to process that.

Okay, moment up.

Warner Brothers announced today they’re remaking the 1945 comedy Christmas in Connecticut. The original was charming, screwy, and starred Barbara Stanwyck as a single New York City woman who writes as her alter ego, the world’s best housewife. In reality she can’t boil water, but in her articles, she’s a gourmet cook with a husband and baby, living in a cozy house in Connecticut. She’s forced to scramble to cover herself when a young soldier, recently wounded, writes to the magazine’s owner requesting to spend Christmas with the famous writer. It’s a lovely movie, and now they’re going to destroy it.

Portraying the Barbara Stanwyck character is the Amazing Monkey Girl herself, Jennifer Garner. Just the casting alone has degraded the film to fluffy fodder, but when you throw in the producers, Susan Arnold and Donna Roth (along with Garner and her own partner, as per usual these days), who also inflicted upon us “Forces of Nature” and “America’s Sweethearts,” you’re bound to get a disgusting mess of cliche garbage intended to bait suckers of women into wasting money and time to further their own careers.

What’s next? As the new Barbara Stanwyck, you can probably expect to see the following Garner projects announced soon:

– Jennifer Garner as… Phyllis Dietrichson in Double Indemnity. Can’t you just see it? They’ll get rid of all that boring suspense and plot, and throw in more ACTION and FIRE and EXPLOSIONS and TITTIES.

– Jennifer Garner as… Jean Harrington in The Lady Eve. Co-starring, in the Henry Fonda role as her leading man will be none other than her equally talented husband, Ben Affleck! They’ll hire some real classy writers to put “a little more sex in it.”

– Jennifer Garner as… Sugarpuss O’Shea in Ball of Fire. Howard Hawks obviously screwed this one up. So you can expect Joel Schumacher to really drive this one home.

– Jennifer Garner as… Leona Stevenson in Sorry, Wrong Chat Room. Matt Damon will make his feature directorial debut, updating the 1948 thriller to modern times, as a bed-ridden Leona trolls AOL chat rooms while waiting for her husband to get home, unable to get anyone in customer support to call the police when she reads about a plot to kill an idiot, bed-ridden shrill in her neighborhood.

Okay, let’s be real for a moment. Just about anyone in the role would have pissed me off. But when they set up a joke like this, a girl’s just got to get her shots in.