Pull up a chair and sit a spell, this is a huuugge update!

We’ve got February sweeps episodes filming, and tons of pilots in the works.  Clip and save to see which pilots actually make it to your living rooms this fall! Since I’m snowed in and frozen, it seemed like the perfect time to type up a frickin’ huge update!

Did we all watch Point Pleasant? So far I’m under whelmed, but I’m giving it another few weeks. In the fifth episode, Christina (I really want to write “Xtina”) goes to the home for unwed mothers where she was born. I suppose there’s not a home for immaculate conceptions. In the sixth, Ruth has a heart attack and Xtina saves her.

Shannon Elizabeth guest stars on One on One. She’ll play the new manager of Flex’s salon.

On ER, Cynthia Nixon is “Alone in a Crowd,” when she has a stroke and cannot communicate with anyone. A specialist, Dr. Medford, is called in to help her with an experimental procedure.

Kojak is filming new episodes, including one where Kojak has to work with a thief to save the thief’s kidnapped wife. They are also working on an episode where a bomber leaves a music video of a popular local singer at each crime scene.

The WB is working on a sitcom that takes place behind the scenes of a reality show. They want it to appear to the audience to be an actual reality show, but you heard it here, on Nobody’s Watching (yes, they are really calling it that!!!), everyone’s an actor.

Alan pays drunks to fight his bar fight for him on Boston Legal. Lori finally gets some action when a new lawyer, hired by Shirley, asks her out.

Some more Six Feet Under news. Roger’s wife and children become part of the show. Sissy is a lovely, graceful woman, daughter Tate is a bored teen, and son Enzo is a little too bright. He’s very curious about Keith and David. Keith and David look into surrogates for their first baby.

On NCIS, a young pop singer’s sister, a Marine, is killed and the owner of the singer’s club is under suspicion. In a later episode, a love triangle goes bad when the cuckolded husband is found dead. Was the murder “Caught on Taper”

It could be friendly fire on NYPD Blue, when a cop is shot and he and his partner’s story’s are suspiciously similar.

Remember the movie “Crash?” Or the book by J.G.Ballard? Well, the folks at CSI:NY do, as people who crash cars as a sex fetish take it too far and end up dead.

The original CSI continues the exploration into sexual freak-ay-ness (remember the plushies, the clowns!) with the investigation of the death of man who gets off by dressing as a baby. These last few seasons read like a checklist of fetishes created by John Waters. Let’s go sexing’!

Down in Miami, the CSI folks have “Nothing to Lose” when they investigate a homicide taking place in the world of the bootlegger. Seriously, there are still bootleggers? Isn’t it much easier and faster just to run to the liquor storer Anyway, I learned a new fact. Everclear gets it’s name from the Everglades.

Cold Case is truly fucked up. In “Revenge,” a little boy is kidnapped, sold to a kiddie porn mogul, and then killed by the mogul’s son. The mogul is killed by the little boy’s dad, who is thought to be a pedophile because he looked at kiddie porn on the internet when he was looking for his son. The effed up part, is that the mogul’s son was being abused by his father and was the star of all his daddy’s porn until the new kid showed up. The son was so jealous that he grew out of his father’s affections that he killed his “rival.” Ick, ick, ick.

Drama goes for plastic surgery, and someone, my guess is Turtle, gets involved with a hooker on Entourage. Drama’s surgery must be working for him, because he gets a part in a martial arts film and falls for his fight coordinator. Vince may get a role as a superhero, and his new co-star’s name is “Aquagirl.” No, really. Aquagirl.

OK, usually I’m not interested in Malcolm in the Middle, but in “Butterflies,” Lois discovers that a homeless man has been living in the Lucky Aide for three years. Hilarious.

It’s the same old thing on The Sheild. Crack and hookers. Ripped from the headlines alert: Corrine and Vic may sue a drug company over Thimerosal, which has been recently linked to autism in children.

I’m sure it’s just me, but Blind Justice looks awful. This means, of course, that it will be a huge hit. Anyway, in “Doggone,” an undercover drug buy goes awry and just about every cast member ends up kidnapped.

The delicious Kevin Hill must defend a shrink who tells a teen with Social Anxiety Disorder to explore his sexuality. The problems arise when the parents find out that the kid interpreted this to mean “go lose your virginity to a prostitute.”

You know it’s a new trend when we’ve got two new fake “reality” shows to report in one week. The Supermarket showcases Ileana Douglas and her actor friends who decide that the celebrity life is too shallow so they all get jobs at a market. Looks real, all fake. But, Douglas is such a fine actress it may be worth watching the Oxygen channel just to check it out.

Morris Chestnut is working on an untitled pilot for Steven Levitan for FOX.

Remember “The French Connectionr” NBC does, and they are creating a series, NY.70 about Popeye Doyle and Sonny Grosso (Bobby Canavale).

It must truly be a challenge for the writers of Charmed to come up with storylines that force the girls into slutty costumes. In “Show Ghouls,” the girls must save a group of Moulin Rouge-esque performers who are forced to relive their deaths by fire over and over. Corsets abound, I am sure.

The “Bob Newhart Show” gets an update in Lies and the Wives We Tell Them To on NBC. Bob Jaffe is a marriage counselor who can’t seem to fix his marriage or the marriages of his friends.

With a similar title, Loved Ones and Other People We Hate, the pessimism continues on NBC. This pilot tells the story of Julia, who moves across the country with her new boyfriend, only to be followed on her journey by her two, effed up, brothers.

Jerry Bruckheimer takes a page from “In Good Company” with a pilot about an older, jaded defense attorney whose career is given new life when he’s partnered with a young, new hotshot lawyer. A really young, like Doogie Howser young, prodigy. This will be on the WB.

Another Ripped From The Headlines!!! alert: On JAG, military relief workers bringing supplies to a hurricane torn area get mobbed by starving survivors. A marine gets scared and kills one of the poor folks. Or did her

Lost is still looking for an actress to play Mrs. Reyes. Hurry up! Hurley’s back-story is the one we are all waiting for!

No matter how slutty she looks or acts, the construction workers won’t whistle at Carrie anymore on King of Queens. Doug finds out why, and pays them to whistle at her again. That’s love for ya’.

It’s “A Good Day” in the West Wing when the middle school “Future Leaders of Democracy” visit and bring a needed breath of fresh air to the staff. Also, Bartlet’s bitter rival (they had to split the Nobel Prize between them, boo hoo) brings him a dire economic warning. Will Bartlet believe himr

Pammie Anderson’s new show for FOX, Stacked, moves ahead with its pilot. Anderson plays a dumb blonde who gets a job at an intellectual bookstore/coffee shop. Get itr The title means stacks of books you perverts.

Math geeks each trying to break a formula have a bitter intellectual rivalry (I’m trying to make it sound interesting) on Numbers. One of them kidnaps the other’s son and holds him for a numerically significant ransom. (I’m really trying to spice it up, really.)

Judging Amy gets a new character with Marty Levine. He’s her political advisor and wants to make her his candidate. He’s a lovely guy who seems irritating at first, but his cuteness creeps up on you.

On Less than Perfect, Owen feels sorry for Will’s stalker, so he responds to all her kooky fan letters. She starts to believe that she and Will are BFF, so she shows up at the network.

Our “do not try this at home” winner of the week is on Grey’s Anatomy. During episode 7, a man swallows his girlfriend’s keys to keep her from leaving him. Don’t ask how I know, but this won’t work. They always have a spare set.

Ah, Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas. Sam’s husband Casey shows up to try and win her back, and Mary and Danny are invited to a swinger’s party.

On Eyes, they must investigate a freak but deadly accident caused by shoddy home construction.

ER is both “Here and There” as they show an emergency room in Iraq contrasted with County General.

Charlie’s new doctor is an ex-girlfriend on Two and a Half Men. Will she use her position to get revenge for being dumped? You betcha.

You and I might go to a therapist to work out our issues with our parents. Ben Stiller deals with his mommy and daddy issue by creating, writing and directing Super 8 for HBO. Teenage filmmaker Seth, who is a stand-in for you know who, and his buddies all live in an apartment building in NYC where the parents are rarely home so the kids run the show. Ben! You’re rich! You can afford analysis!

Halley’s Comet is filming for the WB. Creator David E. Kelley’s show focus’s on med student Halley, a childhood cancer survivor who spent much of her youth in the hospital and feels she has catching up to do.

NBC is working on The Book Of Daniel about the Reverend Daniel Webster, an honorable man whose family is not so honorable. It reads sort of like a harsher version of “Seventh Heaven.”

John Wells is creating his version of “CSI” for ABC. Evidence takes place in San Francisco, and centers around bitter Detective Sean Riley, whose wife was murdered, and his partner Detective Clint Bishop, the office amateur psychologist.

The Three Pounds that inspires the title of CBS’s new medical drama is not liposuctioned fat, it’s your brain. Actually, it’s Dr. Doug Hanson’s brain. Hanson is a brilliant neurosurgeon who has no patience for any religious or mystical woo woo. Unfortunately, there’s no real medical reason he gets epic and prophetic hallucinations all the time.

Grace’s affair with Tom goes before the ethics board on Jack and Bobby. Jack’s mugger is identified when Jack and Marcus go to the store and their attacker rings up their stuff.

ABC is working on a remake of Kolchak the Night Stalker! Because we all know how well that remake of “Dark Shadows” went last year.

Medical Investigation will cross over with Third Watch during sweeps.

Quantico follows a team of young FBI agents and their seriously post-traumatic stress disordered Unit Chief. The pilot will air on CBS.

“Surprise!” Bright must attend a sexual misconduct hearing on Everwood.

What About Brian? Well, let me tell you. He’s in his thirties and wants to settle down. He envies all his married friends. So much, in fact, he thinks his perfect woman is his pal Adam’s fiancee. Find out more about Brian on ABC.

On the surprising watchable Medium, Allison gets visions of a plane crash, but what she really should be seeing is the pilot, who is a murderer.

NBC is trying to compete with the invisible monster on “Lost” with their network’s sea monster on Fathom. A nuclear sub disappears and a marine biologist reports a sighting of a giant sea creature. 13 year old Miles also sees a strange creature, and takes home one of its eggs. When his new pet hatches, he has trouble keeping up with its appetite. I know this sounds like a movie of the week, but their trying to make it a regular series.

NBC is also presenting us with the Kings of New York. The Kings are four guys in their 20s: the witty journalist, the surfer/model, the crotchety crank and the metro sexual. Yawn. We’ll see flashbacks so that we can experience the stereotypical youths that created these sitcom cookie-cutter characters.

And, finally, in the Law and Order universe, we’ve got their take on the Pacer/Pistons brawn on regular L&O; the PMS defense in a murder case on SVU; a young, gay man is raped and killed by his arresting officer on Trial by Jury; and on Criminal Intent, the owner of a famous sex club auctions off his client list and the high bidder is murdered.

This column is dedicated to Paige Davis, farewell Mindy Paige! I’ll miss you almost as much as Frank will.

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