No Cliffhangers Here, Amy Makes Her Triumphant Return!

After weeks of having my damaged computer be held hostage by HP, I’m happy to announce that the ransom has been met. Thanks to all of you for your concern! Without further ado, we queue the opening…

Casting calls and news items in the TV community come in each day here to Amy Lawrence catches the minutiae that falls through the cracks, and discusses them more in depth than most of them probably deserve. Today’s call includes info on “Angel,” “Tru Calling” (I hope it doesn’t suck!), “Will and Grace,” “Friends” and, as always, tons more!

All My Children: Zachery Bennett is the new prosecutor who will be trying a major case in Pine Valley.

American Dreams: Carl Sherwood is a reclusive animal lover who Patty meets and befriends at the pet store where he works. He shows up in episode 2.10 and sticks around for the next few episodes.

Angel: Did we know that all employees of Wolfram and Hart are required to undergo random blood tests? We do now! Also, there are some new demon species introduced, including the all-female Vinji and their counterparts the Sahrvin. All this and more in episode 5.09.

Behind the Camera: The Charlie’s Angels Story: For shame, NBC, for shame.

Century City: Ed Zuckerman is penning this series’ pilot for CBS, which will have a midseason premiere. Starring Nestor Carbonell, Hector Elizondo and Ioan Gryffud (I’m now officially interested), this is one I’ve told you about, a law firm in 2054. In this future, parents can mind wipe their kids to forget non-custodial parents, and there are freeways that drive your car for you. Now, if you happen to be using your commute time to have sex, just be sure to tint your windows!

CSI: In “Grissom vs. The Volcano,” a car bomb looks like terrorism and the death of a musician’s girlfriend looks like murder. But this is “CSI”…

The District: “In God We Trust,” but not in J.D. He’s the neighborhood Robin Hood, but his charitable acts are funded by money he stole.

Ed: During the Christmas episode, Ed must defend a man who is being sued because he has too many holiday decorations. Also, Mike’s new builder is a big joker– not a trait you want in a guy re-building your house.

Friends: “Missy” is the girl that Ross and Chandler crushed on in college. They run into her at their college reunion. Also, someone goes on a game show. The obvious choice is Ross, but the funniest choice would be Phoebe.

Gilmore Girls: Ewwww!!!! A friends of Richard’s is a Yale professor in his 60’s and, get this, a possible love interest for Paris!!!!!

The Guardian: “Swimming” deals with boot camps for wayward youth. Josh is a kid who even boot camp can’t save, as he sets fire to the mess hall.

Hack: A firefighter with an ugly past must protect his secrets when his girlfriend ends up dead in “Dial O For Murder”.

Half and Half: At the “Big Bitter Baby Shower,” Adams gets a “Queer Eye” makeover, and Deedee goes nuts at her shower.

The Handler: A jumpy car thief goes “Off the Edge” when he shoots 2 cops during a traffic stop. The gang has to go all gone-in-60-seconds to solve this one.

Jake 2.0: Episode 11 is notable only because it’s called “Prince and the Revolution.” Don’t be fooled, Prince isn’t guesting. Jake has to bodyguard an African Prince.

Joan of Arcadia: “Drive He Said,” so Joan does and goes for her driver’s license. He father gets carjacked at gunpoint. These storylines intersect in an obvious way. Watch “Miss Match” instead.

Judging Amy: Episode 510 is called “Sex and the Single Mother” and Amy leaves Stu for David.

Las Vegas: Doesn’t this show just rock? Anyway, in “Year of the Tiger,” a Chinese whale is almost killed by a rival Chinese gang while his Hilton-esquese daughters run wild around the Montecito. (See, you though this was about white tigers, didn’t your)

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit: In “Escape,” a man accused of raping his stepson busts out of jail and kidnapped said stepson. This can only end badly.

Navy N.C.I.S.: The team, along with newbie Agent Tim McGee, investigate a horrific murder on a submarine in “Sub Rosa”.

N.Y.P.D. Blue: Shaughnessy is a retired cop who turns into a vigilante, with poor results, in episode 9.

The O.C.: Kirsten’s younger sister Hailey shows up after a two year absence and throws a New Year’s party that wrecks the house (much to the delight of the youngsters). Hailey will stick around as a recurring character.

One Tree Hill: New character “Fitch” (as in Abercrombie and) is a high school kid pretending to be in college. Watch out girls!

Rescue Me: Denis Leary on the F/X Network. Yay! He’s starring, producing and writing this pilot about cops and firemen. The pilot started filming on October 6 and should be shown sometime in 2004.

Seventh Heaven: In “Prodigal Father,” Eric helps Paris and Peter comes to terms with their alcoholic husband and dad who returns and is, well, you know, prodigal.

She Spies: A Cuban defector tries to find his daughter, but he really finds a Cuban agent undercover as his daughter. Call the She Spies!

Still Standing: Lauren’s new boyfriend is from a lovely, church-going family. Judy, Bill and Tina are stuck at their house, even though they’d rather be at Ozzfest. Tina steals a Jesus statue from them. This is the best they’ve got for the sweeps period.

Strong Medicine: “Quarantine” will be their obligatory SARS episode.

That 70’s Show: The family gets their very own stress management counselor in episode 6.12.

Threat Matrix: This is a new one for me, as, in “Cold Cash,” a Russian spy tries to hijack the U.S. economy with chemically tainted money.

The Tony Kornheiser Project: Jason Alexander has been cast as Tony, the sports writer turned lifestyle columnist. Now named “Tony Kleinman”, Alexander will play a neurotic and highly strung father of two. Casting is currently happening for the members of his family, as well as for his co-host on the syndicated TV sports show “Shut Up and Listen.”

Tru Calling: A guy re-thinks his life on the eve of his ex-girlfriend’s wedding with tragic results in “Murder in the Morgue.” Aren’t all the episodes about murder in the morgue?

Wanda at Large Wanda gets therapy from the syrupy-sweet “Dr. Linda.” Look for a November sweeps stunt casting for her.

Will and Grace: Jack goes to nursing school and trades quips with a stereotypical large and mean nurse. Grace gets shrill with an ex-boyfriend. Amy wishes a cast this special would get new writers.

Without a Trace: Lianna gave up a child for adoption, but has located her daughter and is very involved in her life. After a tragedy, the both go missing. The daughter is a murdering drug addict who is conning Lianna and is, in fact, not really her child.