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Welcome to the Real World

Savant has a nice, warm, cuddly welcome for Square and it’s completely CG-rendered remake of Ishtar.

Good morning natives, your cuddly buddy Savant here. Well well well, I’ll bet several executives at a certain gaming-orientated production company and a certain studio woke up today minus their fucking heads. So it seems, the 140-million dollar plus anim(e)ated CG-epic, “Final Fantasy,” has discovered the “Ishtar” within. After a dismal weekend of something around 11 million, I’d be pretty headless too, wouldn’t you? After all, unless this is the one film in a thousand that builds upon its opening weekend, this film will die a grisly death domestically. And overseas. And on cable. In fact, it’s already DOA; we’re just waiting to see how bad the wreck is gonna get.

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After years of debating this issue with myself, I’m convinced that guys like Larry Clark and Harmony Korine (the writer of “Kids” and director of such elegant art as “Gummo”) aren’t out to make films, but emotional roadmaps. I can’t find a logistical thread of story through any of their work… it’s always about the characters, the moment, the mood, and the potentials. I’ll just have to accept this and move on with my life.

If I ignore the complete lack of script and point, “Kids” was an almost-great film with one fatal flaw: they were ghetto trash. Maybe it was realistic, I dunno, I don’t care. If rich kids can buy cocaine, so can poor kids, they can rob someone for it, okayr The worst drugs done in Kids were gangsta chronic and Special-K-deluxe or whatever the fuck Harmony Korine decided it was. Sorry, that killed the film for me, I can’t buy that the line stops there, not with this crowd.

What’s “Bully” aboutr In a nutshell, there’s this closeted asshole who rapes chicks and beats up the guys, particularly his best friend, whom he’s attracted to. He rapes chicks to gay porn and forces his buddy to dance on a stage at a local nightclub filled with trolls and shit like that. Whatever. The buddy’s girlfriend, she don’t play that, so she arranges this lazy, pot-inspired plot to whack the fucking bully. And they drag like 8 other teenagers into the ploy. And they whack the dude. And they feel the need to talk about it. I’m not spoiling shit, by the way, this is all a TRUE FUCKING STORY.

Is “Bully” shockingr If you’re a fucking Mormon, sure. There are plenty of crotch shots… I don’t mean like “Basic Instinct,” I mean, crotch shots that put every other crotch shot to shame… you’ll find yourself smiling in a strange way as Bijou Phillips climbs into the front seat of a car, based solely on the chosen camera angle. If you find yourself stunned by shots of chicks dripping hot candle wax onto a guy’s nipples while she straddles him… you need to get out more. I’ve seen a 14-year-old get done by a goddamn mule. I’ve seen footage of a crazy dude drop an 8 inch steel rod in his pisshole, and I don’t mean for an STD test. If hot candle wax shocks you, you are no longer allowed to visit this website. Fuck you.

Does “Bully” workr On some levels. The kids have money, but they’re still white trash. Clark has learned his lessons well. The moral of the story is sorta clear. The film is entertaining. Works for me.

Does “Bully” have flawsr Yeah, it’s completely stupid. Your jaw will drop at how fucking stupid these kids are. And believe me, it’s not only true, but it’s true to life. If you’ve ever been down in Tallahassee, you’ll know I’m right. There’s a scene where Brad Renfro gets to emulate Eminem. Need I elaborater

Does “Bully” have good sex scenes for being an unrated filmr No. Seeing a chick’s pubes and tits and panties and a guy’s pubes and ass are hardly what I’d call groundbreaking American cinema. Show me a vagina hooding up like a cobra and spitting at the camera and you’ll earn my respect, okayr

How are the performancesr Pretty decent. Renfro’s damn good, Nick Stahl is pretty convincing for a skinny little prick, and the chicks are just there to show their crotches. You see, chicks in this kinda film don’t have much to do… it’s guys who have all the major, violence-inspired emotional problems at this age. If you’re thinking I’m getting sexist, I am, against guys… let’s put it like this, chicks do not beat each other up because of a lesbian impulse. And if they did, and made a film outta it, I’m there.

Does “Bully” seem like a celebration of pedophiliar Uhhhh, the correct term is like ‘ebephophilia’ or something, I know I fucked up the spelling, okay, but pedophilia is ‘love of children’, whereas the latter word means ‘love of adolescents’. Sure it does. It’s a guy thing, and I commend Clark for not giving a shit. I don’t mind seeing pre-college titties, okayr And for you switch hitters and titty-blessed out there, you won’t mind a few smooth chests and whatnot. Who gives a fuckr If you don’t like seeing chicks gargle semen and smile at the camera, don’t see “In The Realm of the Senses.” If you’re uncomfortable with the concept of young people who don’t have all their body hair yet fuck and get nude and smoke mushrooms and viciously stab a motherfucker to death, don’t see “Bully.”

Do you recommend “Bullyr” Yeah. Go see it. I think it’s better than “Kids.” For an indie-drama, I sure laughed a lot during the film, moreso than most of the comedies I’ve seen in a while. Fuck it, go see it when it comes to a run-down indie shithole near you.


Rating: B-

Pikul Checks In For A Brief Update

Savant here. After a long absence, I finally received word from that Pikul dude, the same guy who gave you all a (very supposed) sneak peek at “The Matrix Reloaded” a few weeks back. I’ve actually been chatting with him, s-l-o-w-l-y, back and forth, trying to pry more information out of him, trying to figure out if he’s completely full of shit and taking us all for a wild fucking ride with some half-baked fake scoops. The more I talk to him, the more I like him, but that means dick. Anyway, here’s some excerpts from stuff I’ve been saving up.

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Interview With Garth Franklin

On this evening, as the drugs begin to take hold, I notice that I’m covered my sweat appears to be rising off my forehead and evaporating into the vast atmospheric ozone that has resulted from chain smoking. Suddenly, a small weather front appears, and I urinate into it, fearing the worst: Thor, the god of thunder, has betrayed me. The fact that my MP3 player now chants ‘Thunder,’ rendered courtesy of AC/DC, only confirms this. I freak out and quickly switch the track to Mozart’s Requiem in the hopes that evil opera-loving demons will rape me viciously with a fly swatter.

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The Bugs Are Back in Town

Savant here. I got an interesting scoop from an old friend and longtime reader of the site about the upcoming “Mimic 2.” My research sez that “Mimic 2:” Hardshell is going straight to video in mid-July, which is a shame, because I really liked “Mimic.” “Mimic 2” is also the feature debut Jean de Segonzac, who got his start as the DP on Laws of Gravity and helped create the stylized look of Homicide: Life On The Streets, so it should be interesting to say the least… TV seems to produce a lot of mainstay directors, such as Mimi Leder, Gregory Hoblit, and of course, the great Michael Mann. Sorry to rant folks, here’s the riff.

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